Things Our Family Did to Get by When I Lost My Job

Author: Jannette Matula, Mother of Two & Former Families First Volunteer

In August 2015, my boss came into my office to tell me my position was being eliminated effective immediately, and to please pack up my desk. I turned in my laptop, my keys and badge, and was escorted out of the office an hour later.

While I knew I would eventually find another job, I also knew it would take weeks, possibly months. And my next job would not likely pay as well as this one. Yikes!

While everyone’s financial realities are unique, the impact of abruptly losing an income is often the same for everyone – traumatic and scary. Will we be able to pay our bills? Will we be able to provide food for our family? Will we be able to pay our rent or mortgage?

Here are the things my family did to adjust to our new financial situation…

We came up with a game plan. First, my husband and I sat down to discuss our new budget and find ways to either eliminate or reduce all non-essential spending. This included eating out at restaurants, ordering in delivery (pizza, Chinese, etc.), going to the movies, and other things. We started evaluating every purchase….is this something we NEED (food on the table, gas in the car, electricity)? Or something we WANT (a new pair of shoes, the latest electronic gadget, a Pumpkin Spice latte from Starbucks)? Can I do this myself (fix the light switch, repair the washing machine, etc.) without having to pay someone else to do it?

We looked at ways to simplify. It sounds counter-intuitive, but when you have less money to spend on “stuff” and “extras”, it is easier to focus on basic human needs. These can be boiled down to simply: food, water, shelter, safety, love. There are a lot of articles and blogs that have great tips for how to simplify in many aspects of life. Here are a few I like:

Becoming Minimalist - http://www.becomingminimalist.com/the-10-most-important-things-to-simplify-in-your-life/

10 Simple Strategies - http://www.moneytalksnews.com/10-simple-strategies-simplify-your-life/

Mr. Money Mustache - http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/

We involved the whole family. Once the initial shock, anger and sadness started to fade, I decided to turn my situation into a teachable moment. How we adults respond to life pulling the rug out from under us sets an example for how our children will respond to similar disappointments in their lives. It was important for me to let my kids know we needed to make some changes, while also reassuring them that we would be fine. I also let them know that we are in this together as a family, and here are some ways they could help: do some extra (age appropriate) chores around the house (http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/chores-for-children), not ask for treats and extras, think of fun things we could do that do not require spending money (http://www.kiplinger.com/article/saving/T065-C011-S001-50-free-or-cheap-things-to-do-with-kids.html)

Ask for help. It is easy to let pride get in the way of caring for ourselves and being honest with others about hard times we are facing. I told my neighbors and parents of my kids’ friends what was going on. I asked those closest to us if they could watch my toddler if I had a job interview I had to drive to. I asked for clothing hand-me-downs for my kids. Any time I did have to make a non-standard expenditure (car repair, utility repair, etc.) I asked what discounts were available. 9 times out of 10, I was offered 5-10% off!

On December 23, about 4 months later, I accepted a new job paying much less than what I had been earning before. In the meantime, many of the changes my family had made while I was out of work became engrained into our lifestyle – our new, more minimalist reality. I still ask for discounts when making non-standard purchases, we still go to “kids eat free” nights at restaurants when we want to have dinner out as a family, and I still gratefully accept clothing hand-me-downs for my kids.

I have been “downsized” 3 times in 24 years of being in the workforce, which has taught me the importance of being prepared for it – emotionally and financially. My goal for myself and my children is financial security, and I believe most of us share this goal. With that in mind, I leave you with this list of values which I found in an article about a recent survey. The survey reveals these values as having likely contributed to the foundation of success for the wealthiest people in our society:

• Failure is not a bad thing.
• Some things are more important than money.
• Be a disciplined saver and an opportunistic buyer.
• Patience is a virtue.
• Be generous to those in need.
• Marriage is a life-long partnership.

Here is a link to the full article http://www.inc.com/marla-tabaka/want-your-kids-to-become-financially-secure-adults-parents-of-todays-wealthy-did.html

Parents, if you are between jobs and need support or advice, please call Families First at 877-695-7996. We are here to help!


For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 877-695-7996 OR 866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Mud

Claire Poole, PsyD
Families First Children's Treatment Center Clinical Director

My mother had a simple and effective go-to parenting strategy - go outside and play. "Outside" was the most important part, and my father contributed to the plan by setting aside a little corner in the yard for me to dig in the dirt and make mud. The other kids with their shiny new indoor toys were envious of my mud. To the intuitive mind of the child, this made perfect sense.

As with a lot of psychology, science is now catching up to the intuitively obvious. In recent years there has been an increasing stream of research showing that time spent in nature is good for the mind and body; my intuition tells me it is good for the soul as well. A walk in the park does more to lower blood pressure and stress than an equally strenuous walk on the treadmill. Grade school students in classrooms with windows do better than they do in rooms without windows, and when the window opens up on a garden or even a shrubbery the effect is more pronounced. Families who spend leisure time together in natural surroundings get along better and report higher levels of satisfaction in family life. Sailors on submarines who line up for the chance to see birds and the coastline through the periscope are more efficient and less stressed. Treatment programs for teens struggling with substance abuse, delinquency, or depression often include wilderness treks with positive effects. There is a long list of similar research findings.

This really shouldn’t surprise us. Through the ages wise men and prophets, from Moses and Lao Tzu, to St. Thomas and the Buddha, to Thoreau and Muir, have sought guidance and inspiration in the wild. When most families lived in a tribe, a village, or on a farm the natural world was part of daily existence. It has been like that for 10,000 years and more. In the modern world, really for just the last few generations, a great many people spend their entire lives without ever playing in the mud. I remember being in Grand Central Station in New York and realizing with a start that most of the people there had never seen the stars except for those painted on the station's ceiling. When was the last time you gazed at the Milky Way?

So here's my point. Let's turn off the TV, put down the tablet, and take our kids outside for a walk in the woods. It's good for them, good for the family, even good for the planet. And take it from me, mud squishing through your toes is one of life's little pleasures not to be missed.


For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Parent: Friend or Foe?

Author: Jannette Matula, Former Support Line Volunteer

Which do you consider yourself? Maybe you think you are both? Maybe neither?

Some parents think it is best to be friends with our children. I think it might be nice if, when my kids are adults, they enjoyed spending time with me. Even better, if they called me their "friend"! When we do nice things for our kids, or give them things they want, or behave in ways they like, we may feel like their friend. But it's not really the same.

Sometimes we certainly feel like a foe: enforcing rules, saying no to the "MA" rated video game that "all my friends are playing," ensuring homework is done before the TV comes on. I've been told a few times by my angry child: "You are NOT my friend!" And I fully expect to hear "I hate you!" uttered or screamed at me in the not-so-distant future. (Take a deep breathe…count to 10…)

These words sting, no doubt. But I find a little peace in acknowledging that I am neither friend nor foe. I am something different. My job is perhaps the most difficult and important job I will ever aspire to be perfect at, although try as I might, sometimes I will still fail. I am a parent. I show unconditional love to my children by providing structure and setting good examples for how I would like to see them treat themselves and others (most of the time). I do what is reasonably in my power to keep them out of harm's way. I say no when it would be easier to say yes...again, most of the time. I am not perfect, but I try my best with the knowledge and tools that I have.

During those times when your child is angrily yelling "You are not my friend!" hopefully you can pause, take a deep breathe, and agree with them. Then, with calm and love in your voice, you can gently say that no, you are not their friend...you are their parent.

For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Inspiring Resilience, Creating Hope

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. We have come a long way as a nation over the last couple of decades in how we view mental health issues, however, we still need to continue to improve the way people with a mental illness are viewed and treated.

Mental health is simply our emotional, mental, and spiritual health. It is just as important as our physical health. In fact, the two go hand-in-hand. It is important for us to realize that people of all ages, race, ethnicity, religion, and incomes are diagnosed with mental health concerns. Nearly every person in America has either had mental health issues at one time in their life or has a close friend or family member who has had mental health issues at some point. The stigma around mental health needs to be broken. Mental health issues should be viewed no differently than physical health issues.

This year’s theme for Mental Health Awareness month is Inspiring Resilience, Creating Hope. There is a great deal of research that has been done in recent years that is showing that resiliency acts as a buffer in all areas of a person’s life, including mental and emotional health. The good news is that resilience is something we are all born with and can be strengthened.

Last month’s blog spoke briefly about parental resilience as one of the protective factors that decreases abuse and neglect and promotes health family relationships. We defined it as the ability to cope with stresses, both the day-to-day stresses, as well as the occasional crisis. This is sometimes described as being a “bounce back” person or family. The same definition applies for resilience in children of all ages.

So, why is being resilient so important? The more resilient a person is the better day-to-day health they have in all areas of their life. Seventy percent of all people will experience at least one trauma in their lifetime. Resiliency helps people deal with the bumps of life, as well as the bigger stressors. It is a good idea to build resiliency before it is needed for a crisis.

There are a number of fairly simple things that adults can do to help promote resilience in children. The number one thing is relationships. Researchers agree that the primary building block for resilience is caring, supportive relationships. Adults can do this by responding to their children’s physical and emotional needs in a timely manner with patience. Another easy way to build relationships is to have fun together. Schedule time every day to get down on the floor or go outside and play with your child.

Adults can also help promote resilience in children by listening and responding to their child in a reflective manner. When your child is talking to you give them your full attention and then make sure to state back to them what you heard them say and any emotions you believe they are experiencing. Then allow your child to confirm or clarify that you got what they were saying and feeling. We all need to be heard and have our feelings supported.

As always, adults can use modeling. It is important for us to model the skills that lead to resilience for our children. We need to make sure our children see us engaging in supportive relationships, having fun, and sharing our thoughts and feelings. These are just a few suggestions for building resilience that you can start working on today for yourself, with your children and in your family, which will lead to improved mental and emotional health.

For more suggestions on ways resilience, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

"Kids—You Can't Beat 'em."

“Kids-You can’t beat ‘em”, was one of the first logos in 1983, when President Reagan proclaimed April to be the first National Child Abuse Prevention Month. I love the dual meaning of this statement. We can’t be physically aggressive with kids. But equally as important, is the message that there is special value in children. Thirty years later, we continue to promote the value of our children and their families, as well as the fact that every member of the community has a responsibility to help prevent child abuse and neglect.

If you would like information on how to get involved in promoting the value of children and families, give us a call on the Family Support Line, at 877-695-7996 or via email at stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org.
Preventing child abuse and neglect can sound like an overwhelming task, but it really comes down to some basic things that we all can do to help strengthen families. Research shows that there are five protective factors that help strengthen families. These factors act like buffers to stress and increase the health and well-being of children and families.

The Protective Factors are:

Concrete Supports for Parents
Social Connections and Emotional Competence
Parental Resilience
Knowledge of Parenting and of Child/Youth Development
Nurturing and Attachment

Denver Human Services did a great campaign this year for April’s Child Abuse Prevention Month that makes it easy to remember the protective factors. It is entitled 5 Ways to Keep Families Stable, Help Kids Thrive and Uphold a Strong Community:

1.) Call for Help!
2.) Surround Yourselves with Friends and Family
3.) Be a Bounce Back Family
4.) Become a Parenting Ace
5.) Help Children Express Themselves

Concrete Supports for Parents, also known as supports for basic needs, is the first protective factor that needs to be addressed. Families need to have their basic needs meet before they can focus on the other factors that will strengthen them. Find these concrete supports for your own family and help other families locate them as well. You can locate these supports within your community in a variety of ways, including local non-profits (such as the Family Support Line at Families First), faith based communities and social service agencies. These groups and agencies will partner with parents to help identify and access resources in the community such as food, clothing, housing, quality childcare, health and dental care, social-emotional services, and variety of other resources.

Another factor is Social Connections and Emotional Competence. This boils down to surrounding yourself and your children with friends and family. It is very important for both adults and children to have Social Connections. When adults have social connections they are modeling for the children around them how to interact with others and their world. The same is true for emotional competence, when we as grown-ups work on our own emotional health; we are modeling emotional wellness for our children. If you do not have supportive friends and family, consider neighbors, spiritual groups, the local child/parent play group, or your child’s school. There are a variety of places to find connections for yourself and your child. If you or another adult you know does not have a support system, consider joining a Parent Support Group. Families First offers Circle of Parents ® Support groups and can also connect you with other support groups across the state.

Parental Resilience is the ability to cope with stresses, both the day-to-day stresses, as well as the occasional crisis. This is sometimes described as being a “bounce back” person or family. Are you able to bounce back when things get tough? The other two Protective Factors we had mentioned, Concrete Support and Social Connections, can both help to increase a person’s resilience. Having someone that can help you talk through a stress increases the chance a person will bounce back from the stress.

The protective factor, Knowledge of Parenting & Child Development is becoming informed as a parent about ways to communicate with your child, set rules and expectations, and provide safe opportunities that promote independence. These things need to be done while taking the child’s current development into consideration. Healthy child development and effective parenting are connected. If you would like to learn more about effective parenting or child development consider attending a parenting class or support group.

The final protective factor is Nurturing and Attachment, last, but not least by any means! In fact, most times this is the first factor listed due to the importance of nurturing and attachment. A child’s early experience of being loved and cared for by a safe, reliable adult has an effect on all aspects of their life. It will determine how they treat others and how they allow others to treat them as they grow into adulthood. Nurturing and attachment are crucial not just when a child is young, but throughout their lives. This can set the stage for the other factors to develop.
These five factors are not only good for the parent-child relationship, but they help to decrease stress on an individual level, as well as a community level. If individuals are less stressed, then their relationships will be less stressed, which will produce a less stressed community as a whole. Pick one factor and work on fine-tuning it to increase your protection against stress. Don’t know where to find the resources, social supports, parenting classes? Need someone to listen when you are stressed or a place to Brainstorm ideas? Call Families First at 877-695-7996 or email us at stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org. We would love to help you tackle a protective factor!

We also have a Spanish Family Support Line at 866-527-3264 or maria@FamiliesFirstColroado.org. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Saving the Parent-Teen Relationship

I have recently been talking to one of my close friends regarding parenting struggles he is having with his teenagers. The topic of protecting the parent-teen relationship in the context of setting boundaries and consequences has come up several times. I began to think about how to negotiate the boundaries and consequences all families must have to function effectively, within the parent-teen relationship.

In my friend’s case, he is concerned if he is too strict or pushes too hard he will damage the relationship. However, he has also acknowledged there is a good chance his sons are aware of his fear and use this to their advantage. On the other hand, my friend understands if he is passive he may give the boys the impression that their behaviors are acceptable or that he does not care about the behaviors or them. What is a parent to do?

First, like my friend, acknowledge your own stuff. If you have fears regarding the relationship, what are they? If you are having other strong emotional reactions, why are these arising? Is something reminding you of the way you were parented? Once you take a look at how you are initiating or responding and you label those things, it becomes easier to notice them and begin to address them when they arise within the context of the relationship. If you are really brave and want even more bang for your buck, share your discoveries with others. Consider talking about these things with a friend, your spouse, or even with your teenager. When others see us modeling good communication and self-disclosure, it becomes easier for them to do the same.

Try to get on the same page with the other parent. In a large majority of families the parents tend to be on opposite ends of the parenting spectrum. One will tend towards being very strict and the other will be more passive or lenient. To further complicate things, when the strict one is overly strict, the more passive parent feels bad for the kids and becomes even more lenient. The strict parent sees the passive parent as being “too easy” on the kids, so they up the strict factor. This can be a vicious cycle that is confusing for the kids. The goal is for both parents to come more to the middle of the spectrum, with more consistent behavior between the two parenting styles. This has several benefits; it helps the relationship between the two parents and decreases the possibility the kids can divide and conquer.

Educate yourself on what is developmentally appropriate. For pre-teens and teens it is normal for them to try to stretch their wings. They are going to try new things, consider new ideas and challenge what the adults in their lives believe. This is an important stage that teens go through as they are beginning to develop into their own person. It says a great deal about the strength of the parent-teen relationship when the teen is willing to practice testing limits and comfort levels in the safety of their home and as part of their relationships with their parents. Allow them some space to figure out who they are, what they believe, and who they want to become and then be there to provide a soft, safe place to fall, which undoubtedly will happen.

Really consider the reason behind a rule/boundary. By the time a typically developing child is in their teens the rules/boundaries for them should be few and far between- just those that ensure safety and adherence to the law. It is our goal as the adults in their lives to help them to begin to self-monitor and self-enforce more and more with each year of life. Love and Logic ® puts it well: we are to become more of a consultant to the child the older they become. It is our job to help them begin to make good decisions on their own. After all, we are not going to be there to direct them forever.

There is a huge shift that occurs in most parent-teen relationships when the parents stop directing and come along side as a consultant. Love and Logic ® tells us that consultant-style parenting looks like the following:
1.) Remember consultants don’t force their ideas on the other person. Ask permission to share some ideas or to help your teen brainstorm some ideas.
2.) If your teen declines then let them know they are welcome to come ask for some suggestions if they change their minds.
3.) If they accept your offer, help them to generate a list of options (feel free to add some they may not think of).
4.) Prompt the teen to think about how each option would work by saying something like, “How do you think that will work?” or “How will that likely turn out?”
5.) Allow the teen to try one or more option. Follow-up by asking them how it worked out for them. If it did not work, encourage them to pick another option from the list the two of you generated.
6.) If needed, offer additional suggestions, but remember to honor the fact the teen may decline your assistance.

Allow your teen to feel the consequences for their choices. All too often, we as adults rush to rescue our children from their own choices. It is important that we allow them to learn from their choices. When at all possible, allow natural consequences do the teaching. If there is not a safe natural consequence, use a logical consequence. Be there to support and love them during and after the consequences, but don’t bail them out. Avoid saying or implying that you “told them so.”

One final suggestion: be willing to “lose.” Teens are very good at trying out their newly acquired debating skills. They also are bent on proving they are correct and the adults are wrong. This is a typical stage that most teens go through. My friend recently began taking a class to address parent-child relationships. He said the whole class basically boils down to this: “Sometimes you have to lose to the child to save the relationship.” Please don’t take this as being passive or giving in to the child. Sometimes we have to be willing to admit we are wrong or that there might be a different way to consider/do things. Take advantage of the fact that your teen is younger, is not yet set in their ways and sees the world in a different way than you do.

Most importantly, have fun with those teens. Before you know it they will be adults and no longer under your roof. Challenging as it may be, enjoy this time with them! It is one of the toughest, most important and rewarding jobs you will ever do.

For more suggestions on ways to improve your relationship with your teens, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Parent Leadership, One of Our Most Valuable Resources

One of the most valuable resources our society has at our disposable is parent leadership.  February is National Parent Leadership month. Created by Parents Anonymous ® Inc. in 2004, February is set aside to recognize, honor and celebrate parents for their invaluable leadership roles in their homes and communities, as well as state, national and international arenas. This annual event acknowledges the strengths of parents as leaders and promotes awareness about the important roles parents can play in shaping the lives of their families and communities.

The state of Colorado has a variety of Parent Leadership trainings and opportunities.  The opportunities in parent leadership are as diverse as the parents who participate.  Families First has parent leadership opportunities to include participating in our Circle of Parents Support Group or volunteer opportunities to help other parents. 

Organizations, such as Families First, cannot do the work needed in the state without the help of parent leaders.  One of our current volunteers completed a program called the Family Leadership Training Institute (FLTI) and has used the skills she learned to benefit Families First, by helping at events and setting up a parent seminar for the community.  FLTI describes the program as “a first-of-its-kind family civics program”.  This same volunteer is involved in a program called National Charity League (NCL), which has mothers and their children grades 7^th-12th serve in a charitable capacity to make a tangible difference in their own communities.  Families First has benefited numerous times over the years from NCL projects.  NCL is not only developing today’s parent leaders, but is helping those leaders develop their children into the next generation of leaders.

Often, as parents, we discount the influence we have on our own children.  We fail to remember our children learn more from what they see us doing then from all the things we tell them to do.  If you want your child to be a leader, they need to see leadership modeled for them.  Children look up to their own parents more than they do any other adult in their lives.  Give them something positive to look up to, get involved as a parent leadership. 

Figure out what your passion as a parent is and find ways to share your passion with other parents and families.  Not only will you be modeling for your children, but you will be helping to make a difference to your relatives, neighbors, communities, state, nation and world.  You will be helping change one family at a time, which in turn changes the future.

For more suggestions on ways to become involved in parent leadership, volunteer at Families First,  additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

The Importance of Fathers in Their Children’s Lives

If you knew there was one thing our nation could do to improve every area of a child’s development, would you be in support of that one thing?  Research shows children that have involvement from both a father and mother perform better in all developmental areas.  Children need their fathers to be involved.  For far too long, our country has seen fathers at best as an add-on to what mothers provide for children and in some cases fatherhood has been discounted altogether. 

Families First, Colorado Dads and the state of Colorado value the vital role fathers play in the lives of children.  The Colorado Fatherhood Council, in conjunction with Families First, is holding five Fatherhood Forums across the state this month to share information regarding the Council becoming a Practitioner’s Network as well as to obtain additional input regarding the needs and assets that can be mobilized to promote fatherhood services in Colorado.

In addition, these meetings will try to find additional people to help plan and participate in a Leadership Summit on Fatherhood and/or to be involved in the practitioner’s network.  If you would like to participate in one of these forums please register by going to this link: http://e2.ma/click/jzq7g/jzixfv/vsxdhb.

In the meantime, take a look at some of the research that clearly shows the importance of fathers in all areas of a child’s life and development.  Here are just a few of the stats that can be found online:

Children do better academically when their fathers are involved in their lives.  For example, highly involved biological fathers had children who were 43% more likely than other children to earn mostly A’s and 33% less likely than other children to repeat a grade.  They are also 70% less likely to drop out of school.  Source:  U.S. Department of Education Study 2001

Children with more involved fathers experienced fewer behavioral problems and scored higher on reading achievement.  Source:  Howard, K.S., Burke Lefever, J.E., Borkowski, J.G., & Whitman, T.L. (2006).  Fathers’ influence in the lives of children with adolescent mothers.  Journal of Family Psychology, 20, 468-476.

Children have less high risk behaviors when their fathers are involved.  Even in high crime neighborhoods, 90% of children from stable 2 parent homes where the Father is involved do not become delinquents.  Source: Development and Psychopathology 1993

Adolescent girls raised in a 2 parent home with involved Fathers are significantly less likely to be sexually active than girls raised without involved Fathers.  Source: Journal of Marriage and Family, 1994

Father involvement is important for all ages.  Even very young children who have experienced high father involvement show an increase in curiosity and in problem solving capacity.  Fathers’ involvement seems to encourage children’s exploration of the world around them and confidence in their ability to solve problems.  Source:  Pruett, Kyle D. 2000. Fatherneed:  Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child.  New York:  Free Press.

Child Welfare Information Gateway summed it up this way; studies suggest that fathers who are involved, nurturing and playful with their infants have children with higher IQs, as well as better language and cognitive skills.  “Toddlers with involved fathers go on to start school with higher levels of academic readiness.  They are more patient and can handle the stresses and frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers”.  They go on to state, “One study of school-aged children found that children with good relationships with their fathers were less likely to experience depression, to exhibit disruptive behavior, or to lie and were more likely to exhibit pro-social behavior.  This same study found that boys with involved fathers had fewer school behavior problems and that girls had stronger self-esteem.  In addition, numerous studies have found that children who live with their fathers are more likely to have good physical and emotional health, to achieve academically and to avoid drugs, violence and delinquent behavior”.

If you want to have an impact on children and their future, please share the message of the importance of fathers and mothers in the lives of children.  Come on Colorado, let’s champion the cause of Fatherhood!

For more information on Fatherhood Programs, father involvement and additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 303-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

School Avoidance (Part 2 of 2)

As I mentioned in my previous blog, we have had an increase in calls to our Family Support Line related to children refusing to go to school.  If you did not read the previous blog, it would be a good place to start regarding general information on heading off school avoidance in children. 

What is school avoidance?  The website, Human Illnesses, defined school avoidance as “when children and teens repeatedly stay home from school or are repeatedly sent home from school, because of emotional problems or because of aches and pains that are caused by emotions or stress and not by medical illness”.  School avoidance, also referred to as school phobia or school refusal, occurs in approximately 2-5% of school age children.  It is most common in 5-6 year olds and 10-11 year olds. 

Typical behaviors for a child or teen that has school avoidance is for them to come up with reasons not to go to school, to complain of physical symptoms shortly before it is time to go to school, or to make repeated visits to the school nurse or counselor once at school, with similar physical complaints.  Often the complaints are vague or non-specific.  In more severe cases, such as school phobia, common physical complaints are aches and pains, headaches, stomach concerns, muscle tension, and dizziness.  In the most severe case of anxiety, students may complain of difficulty breathing and tightening in the chest, which can be an indicator of a panic attack.  The symptoms typically disappear once the child is allowed to go home and during the weekends or over school breaks.  In addition, when the physical complaints are evaluated by a doctor, there is no medical cause found.  

It should be noted that when children and teens complain of physical complaints it should always be assumed that the complaints are legitimate and a medical appointment should be completed to rule out medical issues.  In some severe cases of anxiety, people can develop ulcers and other health issues that should be addressed medically.    It is also important to note, that even if there is no medical problem, the physical complaints are not fake.  The child likely is experience physical discomfort due to emotional distress. 

Other symptoms that can develop in children with school avoidance is an increase in tantrums or tantrums that are not age-appropriate, separation anxiety, defiance, and in some cases other mental health concerns such as depression and obsessive behaviors. 

I often hear parents say that if it weren’t for the school avoidance they would not have any problems with their child.  They state that other than the avoidance the child follows the rules and does not cause problems in the home.  Most children with school avoidance are of average to above average intelligence.  They are often the children that were quiet and shy in school, but were well liked by adults due to the fact that they were not a disturbance in class and would do what they were told to do. 

Why do children/teens develop school avoidance?  Most parents’ initial response is to assume that there is an issue at school.  This may be the case, especially if there is bullying, conflict with a peer or teacher, existing learning disabilities, or fear of failure.  However, often times the avoidance has less to do with the school setting and more to do with the child’s coping skills and/or home environment. 

 In young children, the school avoidance can be due to fact that they are having some separation anxiety from parents and familiar environment.  With young children they are being introduced to a variety of new challenges, new people, and new environments.  In young children the avoidance may be related to concerns regarding potty training and/or using the bathroom in public.

Children of all ages, including teens, can develop avoidance behaviors when there is a major transition, such as change in the family structure (new siblings, older siblings moving out, separation/divorce, remarriage, military deployment, etc.), moves, or new schools.  Often the avoidance will appear when a student is moving from elementary school to middle school or from middle school to high school.

 It is also important to remember that the adult’s emotional stability can also be a factor.  If parent is stressed or depressed the children may pick up on this.  Children will often have avoidance behaviors if a family member has a serious illness as they are afraid something will happen to the loved one while they are away from the home.  This may also occur after a loved one dies.  The child may feel that they have to stay at home or someone else might die.  If there is domestic violence or substance abuse in the home the child may also feel that they need to be home to protect other family members or to help “keep the peace”. 

What can the adults do to help?  First, the adults need to find out what the underlying reason for the avoidance is.  Sometimes the child does not even know the underlying reason and needs help from the adults to figure this out.  Once the reason is determined then the adults can help the child to work on a plan to address the anxiety/fear of going to school.  It is very important to not allow the child to avoid school.  As with all types of anxiety, avoidance causes the problem to become worse, not better.  The longer a child is out of school, the harder it is to return.  A student may need to ease back into school, but they should be going at least a short time every day to start and the time should increase as the days or weeks go by.  Parents can enlist the help of the school to work out a plan for easing a child back into school.  Other professionals who can assist in the plan are the child’s pediatrician and/or mental health professionals.

Adults should not shame the child or make fun of the child for not attending school.  Adults can talk with the student on a regular basis about their feelings and fears as this helps to reduce the fears and stress.  Do not punish the child for avoiding school, but do not inadvertently reward them either.  If the child refuses school and the parent cannot get them there safely, the child should not be allowed to engage in fun activities while at home for the day.  There should be no television, video games, or special treats.  The home environment should be made to be as boring as possible so that it does not reinforce the child’s desire to stay home. 

For more suggestions on ways to address  school avoidance, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

School Avoidance (Part 1 of 2)

We have had three calls to our Family Support Line in the last month related to children refusing to go to school.  It occurred to me that this might be a good topic to address in the blog.  In the twenty years that I have been working with children and families, I have noticed that school avoidance seems to rise around the holidays.  I believe there are a few reasons for the peak in school avoidance around this time of year.  The first is that the semester is finishing up and the stress increase due to projects and tests that are due.  Midterms and finals can be very stressful for students of all ages.  The holidays also tend to bring out stress in most adults and children pick up on our stress levels.  Another reason that school avoidance seems to be up this time of year is due to the school breaks.  It can be especially difficult for a student that has anxiety around school to return after they have had a break for the holidays. 

Be proactive and implement some of the following strategies to try to head off the possibility that your child will develop school avoidance over the holidays:

-          Take good care of yourself and do what you can to make the holidays as stress-free as possible.  I know, “easier said than done”.  But if you start planning now to try to decrease stress, even a bit that will be beneficial for you whole family.

-          Use the holidays as a time to practice self-care and coping skills as a family. 

-          Make sure that you remind your child several times, if not daily, during the break that they will be returning to school after the break.  A good way to do this for younger children is to have a calendar or countdown for when school will start back up.  Also reminding them that parents have to return to work can be helpful.

-          Talk about all the positives about school.  For example, friends, recess, lunch, and whatever subject your child enjoys the most.  Remind them of the adult(s) they look up to the most.

-          Remind your child of their future goals and how important school is to reaching those goals.

-          Remind your child of all the successes they have had in school to this point.

-          Help children that tend to be perfectionist or have a hard time with failure, by reminding them we all have things that we do well and we all have areas we need extra work in.  Point out some of your own strengths and weaknesses.  Let them know they do not have to be perfect or do everything well. 

-          Talk to your child about their feelings regarding school.  This is a good habit to get into not just during the holidays, but on a routine basis. 

-          Make the first day back after holidays as special as you did the first day of school.  Maybe the child can wear a new or favorite outfit to school.  Offer a reward at the end of the school day, such as going to get ice cream or letting them suggest dinner and help prepare it. 

If you believe your child is already experiencing school avoidance, be sure to catch the second part of this article in the next blog. 

For more suggestions on ways to make the holidays less stressful, reduce the chance of school avoidance, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Preventing or Decreasing Long-term Problems in Children

Parents/primary caregivers are the most important advocate for their children in all areas of their development, including social-emotional.  May is Mental Health Awareness month.     Children as young as newborns can have social-emotional issues.  Research shows, behavior problems that surface in early childhood are the single best predictor for several long-term outcomes, such as adolescent delinquency, gang involvement, incarceration, substance abuse, divorce, unemployment (Center for Evidence-Based Practice: Young Children with Challenging Behaviors, 2004).  The good news is that there are many preventative and early intervention programs available to help head off mental health issues in young children or to help lessen the intensity of the problems a child may experience. 

The following are some red flags that may indicate that a child could benefit from an assessment.  It should be noted that one or two red flags alone does not necessarily mean a child is having a mental health issue, but it does mean further observation, discussion, and evaluation may be indicated. 

-          Developmental concerns.

-          Not giving eye contact with primary caregiver(s).

-          Over or under reactivity to pain. 

-          Does not allowing soothing from primary caregivers when hurt or upset.  Does not engage in self-soothing behaviors.

-          Has problems with affection, becomes rigid when picked up/cuddled/touched or turns head away when being feed.  Does not initiate affection with those close to them.

-          Overly friendly with strangers.

-          Ongoing sleep and/or feeding issues.

-          Acting out behaviors such as, fire setting, excessive lying, or stealing.  Routinely tantrums or rages for more than 15 minutes for no apparent reason.

-          Intentional cruelty to animals or younger/weaker children.

-          Development of nervous or anxious behaviors that persist, including being easily startled or frightened.  Or routinely crying for 15 or minutes after separated from primary caregiver.

-          Play issues, such as withdraw or avoids playing with other children.  Lack of explorative behaviors/play.

-          Repetitive behaviors

If you are seeing any of these signs or symptoms in your children, regardless of how young they are please talk to your child’s health care provider or your local mental health center.  You can also call 1-800-Children, where we can help direct you to other resources and support.   

For additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

How to Handle Biting in Young Children

I recently spent an afternoon with a good friend, who has a toddler.  While we were talking about parenting she told me her son has started biting his baby brother.  My friend said nothing she or her husband had tried is working.  Her son bit another child at childcare this week for the first time

Biting is a behavior that many toddlers display at one time or another.  It can be something that makes the adults feel frustrated and helpless.  There is hope! 

Whenever a child is having a behavioral issue adults should start by increasing positive interactions with the child, such as catching them being good, increasing affection, and increased praise.  Often times this will be all that is needed to decrease the negative behaviors.

If the biting continues to be an issue the next step is to try to prevent the biting.  Give the child a teething toy that can be used to bite on when needed.  Also increase adult supervision when the child is around other children.  Do not keep the child from interacting with other children, but make sure the adult is close and can help with the interactions.

What to do when a child does bite someone else:

1.)    The child who was hurt gets the attention.  Make a big deal about their owwie, hug them, give them an ice pack, or wash the hurt body part.  The child that was aggressive should be kept in eye sight so that he is not going off and hurting another child, family pet, or himself.

2.)    Once the above is completed, the adult should take the child who was aggressive gently but firmly by the hand and remove him from the situation.  One brief statement such as “teeth are not for biting” and then no other words or attention should be given to the child.  The adult should use a firm voice, but not yell or raise their voice.

3.)    The child should be away from everyone else for a minute or two, but in eye sight of an adult. 

4.)    Once he is calm, the adult will give him a hug or pat. 

5.)    As soon as the child who was hurt is ready and the child who was aggressive is being safe, and adult should help the two make-up. 

For more ideas on aggressive behaviors in children of all ages, ways to support your family, and other parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe the adult(s) raising the child is the expert on that child and knows what is best for their family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Kids and Technology

Did you know that you could have a stranger in your home right at this moment that you are completely unaware is present?  If you or anyone in your home is communicating online or through texting with someone you do not know personally, then you are opening your home to a stranger.  Technology can be a wonderful tool, but it also can open our families, our children included, to new dangers.

A recent poll indicated that 90 percent of middle and high school student have a cell phone.  With the growth in technology and the growth in the number of youth using the technology, parents need to add new parenting tools to their tool box.  It is important that parents are teaching their children the appropriate way to use the technology and then to routinely monitor to ensure their children are doing so.  A local principal sent out an email with great parenting tips regarding cell phone usage, I have added a few ideas of my own.     

• Technology contract- Prior to the child being given a device let them know what the expectations are and how you plan to monitor their usage.  It might be helpful to put this agreement in writing and get signatures from your child.  If they already have one of these items you can still implement a contract.    
• Technology schedules- Devices, including cell phones, should be checked in with parents at bedtime to prevent children communicating through the night.  Often times it may not be your child that is initiating contact after bedtime, but if a friend does it may still disrupt your child’s sleep. 
• Building Accountability-Parents should have username and passwords for all of their kid’s devices and accounts.  This should be checked routinely to ensure that your child has not changed the passwords without telling you. Randomly monitor all of their technology.  Make sure you are reviewing their text messages, emails, etc.  Check the time they send them, who they are corresponding with, and what they are messaging.  Check the browser history on the internet browser.  See what web sites your child has been visiting.  If your child is checking their devices in at night, parents can easily check the daily activity. 
• Social networking- Check their social network accounts.  If your child tells you they don’t have a Facebook account, it is possible they are not telling you the truth.  Almost every middle school and high school student has a Facebook account, instagram account, or some other social network account that we may not have heard of.  Review their postings, get your own account and use the parent controls. 
• Photos and videos- Check the photos and video files on your child’s devices.  Make sure there is nothing inappropriate.  And if there is, discuss with them the ramifications of taking some of the photos/videos they might be taking.  Check their instagram photos.  This is where kids post pictures on the web and make comments about photos.  It is important that kids understand that once a photo is posted online or sent in a text message it is in cyberspace forever. 
• Apps- Check the Apps they download.  Make sure they are appropriate apps, and take the time to know what the apps do.  Many apps that kids download are for adults and have tracking devices on them.  There are social network apps and dating apps that track the location of the phone.  There are no filters or restrictions when kids download an app.  It is important to ensure no one is tracking your child. 
• IPods and gaming systems- Did you know that iPods now have a camera that takes photos and videos?  IPods and many gaming systems, including the hand held ones, are also able to make phone calls and access the internet now.  Make sure to check all their devices. 

For more suggestions on using technology safely, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail Sarah@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

One Big Happy Family.

One Big Happy Family:

How do we achieve happiness as a family, especially when you consider varying personalities, interests and communication styles? Not to mention different genders and ages, two-adult homes and one-adult homes? I recently read an article based on a book by Bruce Feiler on this very topic. He introduces some interesting facts and concepts I think worthy of sharing. In our incredibly fast paced lives, full of stress and worry how do we find peace at home?

I think most people have heard how beneficial sharing family dinner together  can be. But an alternative to that can be other meals and snacks, such as breakfast or evening when everyone is more likely to be home. It can be difficult to get children’s attention and have meaningful conversation and a car ride can be a quiet and uninterrupted time to do so. Turn off the radio and electronics and use this time for some one-on-one time.  Surveys show that children want their parents to be less stressed and tired, even more than spending time together. Having a conversation about life’s expectations, stresses, self-care and how to cope can be very valuable for children. Another suggestion for effective conversation is to arrange your living area in a circle. People feel more connected and can take in verbal and body language best from this distance range and formation.  Plan a family meeting or discuss current conflict in this setting.

The most common time of day for conflict is dinner time. To avoid or minimize conflict, set expectations in terms of what time dinner is and who is responsible for what chores in meal preparation and clean-up. Set rules for what can and cannot be discussed at family meal time. Any sensitive or emotionally charged topics can be planned for another time outside of meal time. It is recommended that children be involved in choosing and planning their own consequences inside choices that parents set. A child is more invested when they have some control and responsibility in discipline. An interesting bit of research suggests that when there is difficult parent-child discussions it is often helpful to have more than one female involved. The article states reason being, that females are typically more sensitive to everyone’s input, more capable of reaching compromise and more efficient.

The good news is that research shows most families ARE happy! 75% say that family is the most important thing to them and 85% say that the family they have today is as close as or closer than the family they grew up in! Which areas can you improve for your family to achieve greater happiness?

 For more suggestions on improving happiness in your family, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail Sarah@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.