Jeremy's Journey

When Jeremy first came to Families First his only coping mechanism was extreme anger and violence. Every time he became overwhelmed or agitated he would exploded violently, punching holes through walls, causing major destruction to everything in sight. Unfortunately for Jeremy he was never taught how to deal with his anger, and only projected what he had learned while growing up. Luckily for him Families First was there to help. After quite some time and extensive therapy and treatment provided at the Families First Treatment Center, Jeremy began to exhibit improved behavior. It wasn’t until Jeremy faced an overwhelming public moment that we knew how much he had truly changed for the better. During, what was supposed to be a fun afternoon shopping, Jeremy was faced with a tough situation that he would have normally acted out in a violent manner. Instead he remained cool calm and collected, processed his anger and overcame the situation. We are happy to report that Jeremy now lives in a happy adoptive home and continues to make strides in his progress.


For more information about Families First's Children's Treatment Center please visit our website.

For parenting tips, parenting resources, or support call the Families First Support Line at 877-695-7996 OR 866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

The topics and suggestions in my Families First Circle of Parents® group have helped me significantly in becoming a better person and in learning how to treat my daughter in our daily exchanges. I'm in a Spanish speaking group at Families First. I am learning how to educate my daughters each day. Since I have attended the Tuesday night parent group, my life with my family is more beautiful because there is more communication between me and my daughters. I have two daughters aged 14 and 10 years. It is not easy being a parent, but thanks to this group, I am learning new tools on how to be a better mother and about dealing effectively with them at their respective ages. We also learn much more when sharing our parenting experiences of other group members. I came to this group experiencing problems with my daughter’s behavior and have gradually begun to find solutions that have helped modify her behavior in very positive ways.
– Circulo de Padres® group participant


For more information about Families First's Circle of Parents® program please visit our website.

For parenting tips, parenting resources, or support call the Families First Support Line at
877-695-7996 OR 866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Giving Katie's Parents Hope

Parents of six week old Katie, a little girl suffering from challenging physical limitations, found themselves overwhelmed with what they were facing. The mere identification of the disability afflicting their baby was enough to send the frantic parents into a panic. It wasn’t until the family turned to the early intervention services offered by Parents as Teachers, a program of Families First, that Katie began to respond well to treatment.

Families First made it possible for Katie’s parents to be given access to adaptive tools they can use to effectively manage Katie’s disability. The little girl is now thriving in a preschool program. Katie’s parents are now so fully engaged in the scheduled home visits, they report that they look forward to subsequent visits with enthusiasm.


For more information about Families First's
Parents as Teachers program please visit our website.

For parenting tips, parenting resources, or support call the Families First Support Line at
877-695-7996 OR 866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by
non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Sadi's Story

Sadi was an introverted child who struggled in group settings and would often isolate herself, running away from the Families First Children’s Group and escaping the room altogether. She seemed to prefer sitting alone on a couch situated outside the room and she refused to participate in any activity, instead turning to her own game or toy. Sadi would often act out and yell, sometimes using profanity that made those around her most uncomfortable. She also resorted to striking other children. Families First team members spent many hours working with Sadi. Lately, she has been calmer, choosing to use her “indoor voice” and to participate in activities chosen by the group. She now seems to understand that even though the group may choose to do something she doesn’t want to do, everyone can all still have fun doing things together. To date, Sadi has participated in making Rice Krispies treats and has learned the names of all the children in her group. When she doesn’t know their name, she does not hesitate to ask them. She is also learning the names of all the group leaders and addresses them by name. Sadi is an engaged and happy child!

The provision of the Children’s Group is one of the most important components of the Family Support Services Program. Without the availability of this program (in the form of a Children’s Group), many parents would not be able to attend Circle of Parents® support group meetings or Parent Education classes provided by Families First. By working with the children while the parents are also receiving education and support, parent support groups and classes become a more positive experience for the whole family. The Children’s Group is more than maintenance level babysitting. It is assessing the needs of the children then developing and implementing activities to meet those needs. These activities are flexible and involve much individualized attention on the part of the Children’s Group Leader. The Children’s Group also provides a wide array of activities that promote positive social emotional development, community building, and a system of support.

Circle of Parents® national support group model offers free meetings for anyone in a parenting role.
· Parents lead the groups with the help of a trained facilitator.
· Parents decide the topics, lead the discussion and are involved in the decision making.

Circle of Parents® encourages the development of parents’ leadership skills—not just as parents and group leaders, but in all aspects of their lives.


For more information on Families First programs and services, parenting tips, and information on local resources please scroll down or click through our blog archive to the left to see our previous posts, visit our website at www.familiesfirstcolorado.org or call us at 877-695-7996.

Cherished Holiday Memories

The holidays are a time for family and reflection. Here at Families First we have so many wonderful memories to look back on and be thankful for, and we wanted to share some of our stories with you.

A young man who was in our Children’s Center 10 years ago contacted us recently. He is heading off to the Marine Corp and has adjusted quite well in his adoptive home. When he came to us, he had been adopted and the adoptive parents had physically abused him. He was not a trusting young boy. He had undergone major breaches of trust. He now is doing well and a very stable and happy young man, building a life of his own.

Families First CHILDREN’S RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTER offers a safe, nurturing and homelike environment for boys and girls, ages three to twelve, who have been abused or neglected and whose resulting behavioral problems make living in a family setting impossible. We provide an intensive wrap around treatment program to prepare the children for life with a forever family.


For more information on Families First programs and services, parenting tips, and information on local resources please scroll down or click through our blog archive to the left to see our previous posts, visit our website at www.familiesfirstcolorado.org or call us at 877-695-7996.

Janey's Story

Three year old Janey was a child caught between two parents who seemed unable to agree on the best approach to disciplining her. Not only did the disagreements cause trouble in the relationship between young Janey and her parents, but mounting resentments in daily exchanges between Janey’s mother and father were inevitable and painful. Parents as Teachers Home Visitation Parent Educator, worked patiently with the parents, sharing with them the latest research indicating that physical forms of discipline are not always effective, and in some cases psychologically damaging to children. She shared several disciplinary techniques that have been proven to be more effective than physical punishment. At first, Janey’s father opposed what he saw as “being soft” on his child. But a breakthrough came one day when Janey’s father had a dramatic change of heart: he was reconsidering the use of spanking because he saw his little girl playing with her dolls and mimicking the use of spanking to “discipline” the dolls. Witnessing this behavior in his small daughter saddened and shamed him, impacting him greatly. Janey’s father also realized that, in the final analysis, alternative forms of discipline shared by the PAT Parent Educator of Families First were more effective than those he had chosen.

Parents as Teachers (PAT) is a national affiliate certified, voluntary home visitation
program that works with families with children prenatal through kindergarten.

Referrals can be made prenatal to four years old. The program is designed to keep children in the program for 2+ years. They graduate upon completing kindergarten. Services are available in English and Spanish. PAT serves seven metro counties (Adams, some Arapahoe, Boulder, Broomfield, Denver, Douglas and Jefferson - many other counties in the state have their own PAT programs).

PAT home visits address:
Parent-child interactions
Perform family well-being checks
Domestic violence screenings
Protective factor screenings
Developmental screenings:hearing, vision, and general health; parent/child interaction; gross motor skills; fine motor skills; social skills & development; emotional skills & development


For more information on Families First programs and services, parenting tips, and information on local resources please scroll down or click through our blog archive on the upper, right side of the screen to see our previous posts, visit our website at www.familiesfirstcolorado.org or call us at 877-695-7996.

CONSISTENCY, THE CEMENT.

Author: Fred Buschhoff
Retired Elementary School Teacher
Current Families First Educator of Constructive Parenting Class
Author of "The Constructive Parent"

Parents want what is best for their children, to grow up healthy and happy and successful. But getting kids on the right track and keeping them there can be very difficult and often frustrating. Throughout my years of teaching in the Denver Public Schools and working with Families First I have seen many approaches to discipline. What works for one set of parents may not necessarily be correct for a different family. Even within the family, one parent often approaches discipline differently than the other. You will hear many different ideas about what you should be doing from your friends and relatives. Some will tell you that you are too easy with your kids, that they are being spoiled. Others will tell you that you are too strict, that your kids aren’t getting chances to make their own decisions. Listen. Think. Digest. Then settle into the style that suits you, that you are comfortable with. And once you do, maintain it.

The problem is not whether you should be strict or more relaxed with your expectations. Children who are raised in homes with tight rules, who are required to do their homework as soon as they come home from school, who have bedtimes set by their parents and schedules for meals, and who must use respectful speech, can grow up to be productive and happy adults. On the other hand, children who can do their homework when they want, but before the TV or Gameboy goes on, who help set the schedule for meals, and who can talk casually with their parents ,using their own words, can also grow up to be happy and productive adults. How tightly you run your family is your decision. You and your spouse or partner should discuss these matters and find a style that is comfortable for you as parents. But then, as much as you can, be consistent.

Children who grow up in homes where the rules and expectations remain generally the same, where the boundaries are predictable, feel secure. They, like any kids, will test the rules occasionally. But when they find that they can’t change things with misbehaviors, they will get back on track. Dramatic problems occur, however, when rules, expectations and consequences become unpredictable.

I know that you are not robots who can always react the same way. You have emotions and moods that affect how you deal with your family. That is normal. But it will help your children if the expectations you have set remain in a predictable range. Consistently, the children who had the most problems in class, who didn’t focus on reading, math or learning in general, and who used all their energies to test the rules and break the fences, came from homes where the rules changed greatly depending on the parents’ moods. They also had many problems making and keeping friends.

So, please do your children, and yourselves a favor. Find and maintain a style that suits you. And stick with it.


For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 877-695-7996 OR 866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Mud

Claire Poole, PsyD
Families First Children's Treatment Center Clinical Director

My mother had a simple and effective go-to parenting strategy - go outside and play. "Outside" was the most important part, and my father contributed to the plan by setting aside a little corner in the yard for me to dig in the dirt and make mud. The other kids with their shiny new indoor toys were envious of my mud. To the intuitive mind of the child, this made perfect sense.

As with a lot of psychology, science is now catching up to the intuitively obvious. In recent years there has been an increasing stream of research showing that time spent in nature is good for the mind and body; my intuition tells me it is good for the soul as well. A walk in the park does more to lower blood pressure and stress than an equally strenuous walk on the treadmill. Grade school students in classrooms with windows do better than they do in rooms without windows, and when the window opens up on a garden or even a shrubbery the effect is more pronounced. Families who spend leisure time together in natural surroundings get along better and report higher levels of satisfaction in family life. Sailors on submarines who line up for the chance to see birds and the coastline through the periscope are more efficient and less stressed. Treatment programs for teens struggling with substance abuse, delinquency, or depression often include wilderness treks with positive effects. There is a long list of similar research findings.

This really shouldn’t surprise us. Through the ages wise men and prophets, from Moses and Lao Tzu, to St. Thomas and the Buddha, to Thoreau and Muir, have sought guidance and inspiration in the wild. When most families lived in a tribe, a village, or on a farm the natural world was part of daily existence. It has been like that for 10,000 years and more. In the modern world, really for just the last few generations, a great many people spend their entire lives without ever playing in the mud. I remember being in Grand Central Station in New York and realizing with a start that most of the people there had never seen the stars except for those painted on the station's ceiling. When was the last time you gazed at the Milky Way?

So here's my point. Let's turn off the TV, put down the tablet, and take our kids outside for a walk in the woods. It's good for them, good for the family, even good for the planet. And take it from me, mud squishing through your toes is one of life's little pleasures not to be missed.


For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Summer Cooling Options

Author: Christina, mother and Support Line volunteer

Wrapping up our series on how to survive the summer heat, here are a few more ideas to stay cool:

Reusable and inexpensive ice packs
You can purchase dish sponges from the Dollar Store if you don’t already have some on hand, place in a plastic bag, wet with water, and toss in the freezer. Not only are these “ice packs” reusable and cheaper than the hard plastic one’s from the store, but they make great boo-boo ice packs. Since they are soft they conform nicely to elbows, knees, and cheeks. Once it warms back up, return to the freezer for use later. These are also great in lunch boxes and you won’t be as upset if these get lost.

Frozen washcloths
These make great neck wraps and head cloths for a quick cool down. Give a frozen washcloth to a teething baby for a nice option to chew on. It will soothe baby’s gums and can be tossed in the washer.

Get out of town!
One great element of living in Colorado is there are mountains nearby. When it’s hot in the city, it is usually cooler at higher elevations. Take a day trip to a State or National Park. Not only are you getting to cooler lands, but this is a great opportunity to explore nature with the kids.


Check out Denver’s webpage. There is a whole section about FREE events going on!


For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Summer Heat Snack Ideas

From Christina, mother and Support Line volunteer

Continuing our series on keeping cool in the summer heat, here are a few ideas for snack-time when it's hot out!

• Instead of expensive popsicles, which seem to melt faster than they can be eaten, put grapes on a skewer and freeze. Even if you freeze the grapes without the skewer, they make an excellent kid friendly cold treat. Just be sure to not give grapes to babies as they pose a choking hazard.
• Freeze bananas! Peel the banana, push a popsicle stick in one end, and freeze them in a plastic bag. For added yumminess, melt some semi-sweet chocolate chips and dip the frozen banana in the chocolate. Return to the freezer until the chocolate is solid and enjoy some cold deliciousness.
• Jello! Kids love Jello! Why not make it extra special and make the jigglers. Follow the instructions in the box and then pour into fun molds, or pour into a baking dish and cut out shapes with a cookie cutter.
• Keep celery and carrots in the fridge for a cool snack. Add peanut butter and suddenly it is a filling and cooling snack for those 3PM munchies.


For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Keeping Kids Cool on These HOT Days!

Author: Christina, mother and Support Line volunteer

Kids are the best at letting us know they are miserable. Here are just a few ideas which might help you keep your cool when they complain about the heat.

Activities:

Did you know the Children’s Museum offers $1 admission for those who have SNAP? When you go to the desk to pay, present your Quest card and admission is a mere $1 per person.

• This is a perfect place to get the kids out of the house and into air-conditioning without breaking the bank.

• Pack a lunch, the restaurant is very expensive, and head over the museum.

• There is something to do at all age levels and the kids will be exhausted.

• Bring quarters for the lockers provided to store your lunch and change of clothes. The kids will get wet in the bubble room!

Get the kids outside!

• Head to the park and play! Bring a picnic lunch and enjoy some time together.

• Water balloons fights can be lots of fun! Have the kids separate into teams, let them chose a team color, and then add a drop the of food coloring to the balloon before filling with water. Put the kids in white shirts have them go crazy.

• Turn them loose in the yard with a sprinkler.

• Don’t have a sprinkler? No problem! You can make your own from a soda bottle. Use a screwdriver or other sharp device to punch holes in the bottle. Parents, you should do that part! Then tape the bottle to the garden hose with duct tape. Turn on the hose and instant sprinkler fun! Plus, you get the yard watered. I know mine is looking brown these days.

• Don’t have a yard the kids can play in? There are plenty of FREE splash pads and water fountains to play in around the city. Follow this link to find one near you.

Most importantly: REMEMBER THE SUNSCREEN! It only takes 15 minutes to get a sunburn. After a sunburn starts, sun poisoning is next, and you will soon have a very sick kiddo. Also, be sure to provide plenty of water. We don’t want our littles drying out while playing in the water!


For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Parent: Friend or Foe?

Author: Jannette Matula, Former Support Line Volunteer

Which do you consider yourself? Maybe you think you are both? Maybe neither?

Some parents think it is best to be friends with our children. I think it might be nice if, when my kids are adults, they enjoyed spending time with me. Even better, if they called me their "friend"! When we do nice things for our kids, or give them things they want, or behave in ways they like, we may feel like their friend. But it's not really the same.

Sometimes we certainly feel like a foe: enforcing rules, saying no to the "MA" rated video game that "all my friends are playing," ensuring homework is done before the TV comes on. I've been told a few times by my angry child: "You are NOT my friend!" And I fully expect to hear "I hate you!" uttered or screamed at me in the not-so-distant future. (Take a deep breathe…count to 10…)

These words sting, no doubt. But I find a little peace in acknowledging that I am neither friend nor foe. I am something different. My job is perhaps the most difficult and important job I will ever aspire to be perfect at, although try as I might, sometimes I will still fail. I am a parent. I show unconditional love to my children by providing structure and setting good examples for how I would like to see them treat themselves and others (most of the time). I do what is reasonably in my power to keep them out of harm's way. I say no when it would be easier to say yes...again, most of the time. I am not perfect, but I try my best with the knowledge and tools that I have.

During those times when your child is angrily yelling "You are not my friend!" hopefully you can pause, take a deep breathe, and agree with them. Then, with calm and love in your voice, you can gently say that no, you are not their friend...you are their parent.

For more great parenting tips, parenting resources, suggestions or support call the Families First Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-527-3264 for Spanish-speaking parents. You can also e-mail SupportLine@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Summer Fun as a Family

The taste of ice cold lemonade, the feeling of the cool grass between your toes, the sounds of children laughing, the smell of sunscreen and chlorine, and seeing your neighbors in their yards… ahh, summer time is finally here! It doesn’t matter your age or what your work schedule looks like, this time of year seems to bring out the fun in most of us. For our kids it is the break they have been looking forward to since New Year. For adults, it reminds us of our own youth and how carefree we felt in the summer. Summer is a great time to reconnect as a family and to strengthen our relationships with each other. Beware, summer is fleeting! Start planning some fun things to do as a family now.

Try some of these suggestions to make some summer family fun of your own:
Sleep under the stars in your own backyard
Have a water fight
Go for a picnic
Play tag
Blow bubbles
Tend a garden
Build a butterfly or fairy garden
Go on a summer nature hunt
Have a hula hoop, jump rope, or basketball throwing contest
Climb a tree
Go play on the slide, swings, merry-go-round at your local park

A tried and true family fun time is available at your local library. Most libraries have at least a summer reading program and many have something several times a week to keep kids of all ages engaged during the summer. Call your local library or visit their website to see what is planned. Many events are for the whole family. In addition, you can always come up with fun things to do as a family around the resources at the library. You can do a reading challenge as a family, borrow movies or music to use as a family, find a cookbook and cook a recipe together, research something at the library and then go do it in real life as a family. Library cards are free. The possibilities with a library card are endless.

Check out your local nature center. They have several activities each season that are free or minimal charge. Kids are amazed at how each visit to the local nature center is a whole new adventure. They will see or discover something new each time they go. Here is a list of the nature center in Colorado. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nature_centers_in_Colorado.

Speaking of nature, if you live in the Pueblo area there is a great day camp for middle school students through the CSU Extension call Pueblo Youth Naturally. They are always looking for adult volunteers. What a great way to bond with your kids this summer by participate in a camp with them. The cost is $25 for the full week and includes entrance into all outings, transportation to all outings, snacks, and lunch. For more information go to http://pueblo.colostate.edu/pyn/pyn.shtml. If you live in other parts of the state check with your community colleges, universities and cooperative extensions to see what they are offering this year.

Here in Colorado you can find a list of free events by going to www.freeindenver.com/denver-free-days. You will find list for free days at local museums, the zoo and other attractions, movies in the park, free concert series, etc. The majority of these are in the Denver Metro area, but there are some things listed for other parts of the state if you do not feel like a trip to Denver.

Another great site for the Denver/Boulder areas is http://www.milehighonthecheap.com.

If you are living in the Colorado Springs area check out http://springsbargains.com.

Colorado Parents magazine puts out a list every month of free and low cost family-friendly events around the state. You can find their magazine in various locations across the state, including medical office and restaurants. They also have an online publication at coloradoparent.com, including an annual publication dedicated to “Everything Family”.

These are just a few of the free things you can do to make some family memories this summer. Get out there and remember what you loved about being young and carefree. Kids love to see their parents having fun alongside them.

For more suggestions on ways to have fun and build memories as a family, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Inspiring Resilience, Creating Hope

May is National Mental Health Awareness month. We have come a long way as a nation over the last couple of decades in how we view mental health issues, however, we still need to continue to improve the way people with a mental illness are viewed and treated.

Mental health is simply our emotional, mental, and spiritual health. It is just as important as our physical health. In fact, the two go hand-in-hand. It is important for us to realize that people of all ages, race, ethnicity, religion, and incomes are diagnosed with mental health concerns. Nearly every person in America has either had mental health issues at one time in their life or has a close friend or family member who has had mental health issues at some point. The stigma around mental health needs to be broken. Mental health issues should be viewed no differently than physical health issues.

This year’s theme for Mental Health Awareness month is Inspiring Resilience, Creating Hope. There is a great deal of research that has been done in recent years that is showing that resiliency acts as a buffer in all areas of a person’s life, including mental and emotional health. The good news is that resilience is something we are all born with and can be strengthened.

Last month’s blog spoke briefly about parental resilience as one of the protective factors that decreases abuse and neglect and promotes health family relationships. We defined it as the ability to cope with stresses, both the day-to-day stresses, as well as the occasional crisis. This is sometimes described as being a “bounce back” person or family. The same definition applies for resilience in children of all ages.

So, why is being resilient so important? The more resilient a person is the better day-to-day health they have in all areas of their life. Seventy percent of all people will experience at least one trauma in their lifetime. Resiliency helps people deal with the bumps of life, as well as the bigger stressors. It is a good idea to build resiliency before it is needed for a crisis.

There are a number of fairly simple things that adults can do to help promote resilience in children. The number one thing is relationships. Researchers agree that the primary building block for resilience is caring, supportive relationships. Adults can do this by responding to their children’s physical and emotional needs in a timely manner with patience. Another easy way to build relationships is to have fun together. Schedule time every day to get down on the floor or go outside and play with your child.

Adults can also help promote resilience in children by listening and responding to their child in a reflective manner. When your child is talking to you give them your full attention and then make sure to state back to them what you heard them say and any emotions you believe they are experiencing. Then allow your child to confirm or clarify that you got what they were saying and feeling. We all need to be heard and have our feelings supported.

As always, adults can use modeling. It is important for us to model the skills that lead to resilience for our children. We need to make sure our children see us engaging in supportive relationships, having fun, and sharing our thoughts and feelings. These are just a few suggestions for building resilience that you can start working on today for yourself, with your children and in your family, which will lead to improved mental and emotional health.

For more suggestions on ways resilience, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

"Kids—You Can't Beat 'em."

“Kids-You can’t beat ‘em”, was one of the first logos in 1983, when President Reagan proclaimed April to be the first National Child Abuse Prevention Month. I love the dual meaning of this statement. We can’t be physically aggressive with kids. But equally as important, is the message that there is special value in children. Thirty years later, we continue to promote the value of our children and their families, as well as the fact that every member of the community has a responsibility to help prevent child abuse and neglect.

If you would like information on how to get involved in promoting the value of children and families, give us a call on the Family Support Line, at 877-695-7996 or via email at stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org.
Preventing child abuse and neglect can sound like an overwhelming task, but it really comes down to some basic things that we all can do to help strengthen families. Research shows that there are five protective factors that help strengthen families. These factors act like buffers to stress and increase the health and well-being of children and families.

The Protective Factors are:

Concrete Supports for Parents
Social Connections and Emotional Competence
Parental Resilience
Knowledge of Parenting and of Child/Youth Development
Nurturing and Attachment

Denver Human Services did a great campaign this year for April’s Child Abuse Prevention Month that makes it easy to remember the protective factors. It is entitled 5 Ways to Keep Families Stable, Help Kids Thrive and Uphold a Strong Community:

1.) Call for Help!
2.) Surround Yourselves with Friends and Family
3.) Be a Bounce Back Family
4.) Become a Parenting Ace
5.) Help Children Express Themselves

Concrete Supports for Parents, also known as supports for basic needs, is the first protective factor that needs to be addressed. Families need to have their basic needs meet before they can focus on the other factors that will strengthen them. Find these concrete supports for your own family and help other families locate them as well. You can locate these supports within your community in a variety of ways, including local non-profits (such as the Family Support Line at Families First), faith based communities and social service agencies. These groups and agencies will partner with parents to help identify and access resources in the community such as food, clothing, housing, quality childcare, health and dental care, social-emotional services, and variety of other resources.

Another factor is Social Connections and Emotional Competence. This boils down to surrounding yourself and your children with friends and family. It is very important for both adults and children to have Social Connections. When adults have social connections they are modeling for the children around them how to interact with others and their world. The same is true for emotional competence, when we as grown-ups work on our own emotional health; we are modeling emotional wellness for our children. If you do not have supportive friends and family, consider neighbors, spiritual groups, the local child/parent play group, or your child’s school. There are a variety of places to find connections for yourself and your child. If you or another adult you know does not have a support system, consider joining a Parent Support Group. Families First offers Circle of Parents ® Support groups and can also connect you with other support groups across the state.

Parental Resilience is the ability to cope with stresses, both the day-to-day stresses, as well as the occasional crisis. This is sometimes described as being a “bounce back” person or family. Are you able to bounce back when things get tough? The other two Protective Factors we had mentioned, Concrete Support and Social Connections, can both help to increase a person’s resilience. Having someone that can help you talk through a stress increases the chance a person will bounce back from the stress.

The protective factor, Knowledge of Parenting & Child Development is becoming informed as a parent about ways to communicate with your child, set rules and expectations, and provide safe opportunities that promote independence. These things need to be done while taking the child’s current development into consideration. Healthy child development and effective parenting are connected. If you would like to learn more about effective parenting or child development consider attending a parenting class or support group.

The final protective factor is Nurturing and Attachment, last, but not least by any means! In fact, most times this is the first factor listed due to the importance of nurturing and attachment. A child’s early experience of being loved and cared for by a safe, reliable adult has an effect on all aspects of their life. It will determine how they treat others and how they allow others to treat them as they grow into adulthood. Nurturing and attachment are crucial not just when a child is young, but throughout their lives. This can set the stage for the other factors to develop.
These five factors are not only good for the parent-child relationship, but they help to decrease stress on an individual level, as well as a community level. If individuals are less stressed, then their relationships will be less stressed, which will produce a less stressed community as a whole. Pick one factor and work on fine-tuning it to increase your protection against stress. Don’t know where to find the resources, social supports, parenting classes? Need someone to listen when you are stressed or a place to Brainstorm ideas? Call Families First at 877-695-7996 or email us at stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org. We would love to help you tackle a protective factor!

We also have a Spanish Family Support Line at 866-527-3264 or maria@FamiliesFirstColroado.org. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Saving the Parent-Teen Relationship

I have recently been talking to one of my close friends regarding parenting struggles he is having with his teenagers. The topic of protecting the parent-teen relationship in the context of setting boundaries and consequences has come up several times. I began to think about how to negotiate the boundaries and consequences all families must have to function effectively, within the parent-teen relationship.

In my friend’s case, he is concerned if he is too strict or pushes too hard he will damage the relationship. However, he has also acknowledged there is a good chance his sons are aware of his fear and use this to their advantage. On the other hand, my friend understands if he is passive he may give the boys the impression that their behaviors are acceptable or that he does not care about the behaviors or them. What is a parent to do?

First, like my friend, acknowledge your own stuff. If you have fears regarding the relationship, what are they? If you are having other strong emotional reactions, why are these arising? Is something reminding you of the way you were parented? Once you take a look at how you are initiating or responding and you label those things, it becomes easier to notice them and begin to address them when they arise within the context of the relationship. If you are really brave and want even more bang for your buck, share your discoveries with others. Consider talking about these things with a friend, your spouse, or even with your teenager. When others see us modeling good communication and self-disclosure, it becomes easier for them to do the same.

Try to get on the same page with the other parent. In a large majority of families the parents tend to be on opposite ends of the parenting spectrum. One will tend towards being very strict and the other will be more passive or lenient. To further complicate things, when the strict one is overly strict, the more passive parent feels bad for the kids and becomes even more lenient. The strict parent sees the passive parent as being “too easy” on the kids, so they up the strict factor. This can be a vicious cycle that is confusing for the kids. The goal is for both parents to come more to the middle of the spectrum, with more consistent behavior between the two parenting styles. This has several benefits; it helps the relationship between the two parents and decreases the possibility the kids can divide and conquer.

Educate yourself on what is developmentally appropriate. For pre-teens and teens it is normal for them to try to stretch their wings. They are going to try new things, consider new ideas and challenge what the adults in their lives believe. This is an important stage that teens go through as they are beginning to develop into their own person. It says a great deal about the strength of the parent-teen relationship when the teen is willing to practice testing limits and comfort levels in the safety of their home and as part of their relationships with their parents. Allow them some space to figure out who they are, what they believe, and who they want to become and then be there to provide a soft, safe place to fall, which undoubtedly will happen.

Really consider the reason behind a rule/boundary. By the time a typically developing child is in their teens the rules/boundaries for them should be few and far between- just those that ensure safety and adherence to the law. It is our goal as the adults in their lives to help them to begin to self-monitor and self-enforce more and more with each year of life. Love and Logic ® puts it well: we are to become more of a consultant to the child the older they become. It is our job to help them begin to make good decisions on their own. After all, we are not going to be there to direct them forever.

There is a huge shift that occurs in most parent-teen relationships when the parents stop directing and come along side as a consultant. Love and Logic ® tells us that consultant-style parenting looks like the following:
1.) Remember consultants don’t force their ideas on the other person. Ask permission to share some ideas or to help your teen brainstorm some ideas.
2.) If your teen declines then let them know they are welcome to come ask for some suggestions if they change their minds.
3.) If they accept your offer, help them to generate a list of options (feel free to add some they may not think of).
4.) Prompt the teen to think about how each option would work by saying something like, “How do you think that will work?” or “How will that likely turn out?”
5.) Allow the teen to try one or more option. Follow-up by asking them how it worked out for them. If it did not work, encourage them to pick another option from the list the two of you generated.
6.) If needed, offer additional suggestions, but remember to honor the fact the teen may decline your assistance.

Allow your teen to feel the consequences for their choices. All too often, we as adults rush to rescue our children from their own choices. It is important that we allow them to learn from their choices. When at all possible, allow natural consequences do the teaching. If there is not a safe natural consequence, use a logical consequence. Be there to support and love them during and after the consequences, but don’t bail them out. Avoid saying or implying that you “told them so.”

One final suggestion: be willing to “lose.” Teens are very good at trying out their newly acquired debating skills. They also are bent on proving they are correct and the adults are wrong. This is a typical stage that most teens go through. My friend recently began taking a class to address parent-child relationships. He said the whole class basically boils down to this: “Sometimes you have to lose to the child to save the relationship.” Please don’t take this as being passive or giving in to the child. Sometimes we have to be willing to admit we are wrong or that there might be a different way to consider/do things. Take advantage of the fact that your teen is younger, is not yet set in their ways and sees the world in a different way than you do.

Most importantly, have fun with those teens. Before you know it they will be adults and no longer under your roof. Challenging as it may be, enjoy this time with them! It is one of the toughest, most important and rewarding jobs you will ever do.

For more suggestions on ways to improve your relationship with your teens, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Parent Leadership, One of Our Most Valuable Resources

One of the most valuable resources our society has at our disposable is parent leadership.  February is National Parent Leadership month. Created by Parents Anonymous ® Inc. in 2004, February is set aside to recognize, honor and celebrate parents for their invaluable leadership roles in their homes and communities, as well as state, national and international arenas. This annual event acknowledges the strengths of parents as leaders and promotes awareness about the important roles parents can play in shaping the lives of their families and communities.

The state of Colorado has a variety of Parent Leadership trainings and opportunities.  The opportunities in parent leadership are as diverse as the parents who participate.  Families First has parent leadership opportunities to include participating in our Circle of Parents Support Group or volunteer opportunities to help other parents. 

Organizations, such as Families First, cannot do the work needed in the state without the help of parent leaders.  One of our current volunteers completed a program called the Family Leadership Training Institute (FLTI) and has used the skills she learned to benefit Families First, by helping at events and setting up a parent seminar for the community.  FLTI describes the program as “a first-of-its-kind family civics program”.  This same volunteer is involved in a program called National Charity League (NCL), which has mothers and their children grades 7^th-12th serve in a charitable capacity to make a tangible difference in their own communities.  Families First has benefited numerous times over the years from NCL projects.  NCL is not only developing today’s parent leaders, but is helping those leaders develop their children into the next generation of leaders.

Often, as parents, we discount the influence we have on our own children.  We fail to remember our children learn more from what they see us doing then from all the things we tell them to do.  If you want your child to be a leader, they need to see leadership modeled for them.  Children look up to their own parents more than they do any other adult in their lives.  Give them something positive to look up to, get involved as a parent leadership. 

Figure out what your passion as a parent is and find ways to share your passion with other parents and families.  Not only will you be modeling for your children, but you will be helping to make a difference to your relatives, neighbors, communities, state, nation and world.  You will be helping change one family at a time, which in turn changes the future.

For more suggestions on ways to become involved in parent leadership, volunteer at Families First,  additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-877-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

The Importance of Fathers in Their Children’s Lives

If you knew there was one thing our nation could do to improve every area of a child’s development, would you be in support of that one thing?  Research shows children that have involvement from both a father and mother perform better in all developmental areas.  Children need their fathers to be involved.  For far too long, our country has seen fathers at best as an add-on to what mothers provide for children and in some cases fatherhood has been discounted altogether. 

Families First, Colorado Dads and the state of Colorado value the vital role fathers play in the lives of children.  The Colorado Fatherhood Council, in conjunction with Families First, is holding five Fatherhood Forums across the state this month to share information regarding the Council becoming a Practitioner’s Network as well as to obtain additional input regarding the needs and assets that can be mobilized to promote fatherhood services in Colorado.

In addition, these meetings will try to find additional people to help plan and participate in a Leadership Summit on Fatherhood and/or to be involved in the practitioner’s network.  If you would like to participate in one of these forums please register by going to this link: http://e2.ma/click/jzq7g/jzixfv/vsxdhb.

In the meantime, take a look at some of the research that clearly shows the importance of fathers in all areas of a child’s life and development.  Here are just a few of the stats that can be found online:

Children do better academically when their fathers are involved in their lives.  For example, highly involved biological fathers had children who were 43% more likely than other children to earn mostly A’s and 33% less likely than other children to repeat a grade.  They are also 70% less likely to drop out of school.  Source:  U.S. Department of Education Study 2001

Children with more involved fathers experienced fewer behavioral problems and scored higher on reading achievement.  Source:  Howard, K.S., Burke Lefever, J.E., Borkowski, J.G., & Whitman, T.L. (2006).  Fathers’ influence in the lives of children with adolescent mothers.  Journal of Family Psychology, 20, 468-476.

Children have less high risk behaviors when their fathers are involved.  Even in high crime neighborhoods, 90% of children from stable 2 parent homes where the Father is involved do not become delinquents.  Source: Development and Psychopathology 1993

Adolescent girls raised in a 2 parent home with involved Fathers are significantly less likely to be sexually active than girls raised without involved Fathers.  Source: Journal of Marriage and Family, 1994

Father involvement is important for all ages.  Even very young children who have experienced high father involvement show an increase in curiosity and in problem solving capacity.  Fathers’ involvement seems to encourage children’s exploration of the world around them and confidence in their ability to solve problems.  Source:  Pruett, Kyle D. 2000. Fatherneed:  Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child.  New York:  Free Press.

Child Welfare Information Gateway summed it up this way; studies suggest that fathers who are involved, nurturing and playful with their infants have children with higher IQs, as well as better language and cognitive skills.  “Toddlers with involved fathers go on to start school with higher levels of academic readiness.  They are more patient and can handle the stresses and frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers”.  They go on to state, “One study of school-aged children found that children with good relationships with their fathers were less likely to experience depression, to exhibit disruptive behavior, or to lie and were more likely to exhibit pro-social behavior.  This same study found that boys with involved fathers had fewer school behavior problems and that girls had stronger self-esteem.  In addition, numerous studies have found that children who live with their fathers are more likely to have good physical and emotional health, to achieve academically and to avoid drugs, violence and delinquent behavior”.

If you want to have an impact on children and their future, please share the message of the importance of fathers and mothers in the lives of children.  Come on Colorado, let’s champion the cause of Fatherhood!

For more information on Fatherhood Programs, father involvement and additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 303-695-7996 OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

School Avoidance (Part 2 of 2)

As I mentioned in my previous blog, we have had an increase in calls to our Family Support Line related to children refusing to go to school.  If you did not read the previous blog, it would be a good place to start regarding general information on heading off school avoidance in children. 

What is school avoidance?  The website, Human Illnesses, defined school avoidance as “when children and teens repeatedly stay home from school or are repeatedly sent home from school, because of emotional problems or because of aches and pains that are caused by emotions or stress and not by medical illness”.  School avoidance, also referred to as school phobia or school refusal, occurs in approximately 2-5% of school age children.  It is most common in 5-6 year olds and 10-11 year olds. 

Typical behaviors for a child or teen that has school avoidance is for them to come up with reasons not to go to school, to complain of physical symptoms shortly before it is time to go to school, or to make repeated visits to the school nurse or counselor once at school, with similar physical complaints.  Often the complaints are vague or non-specific.  In more severe cases, such as school phobia, common physical complaints are aches and pains, headaches, stomach concerns, muscle tension, and dizziness.  In the most severe case of anxiety, students may complain of difficulty breathing and tightening in the chest, which can be an indicator of a panic attack.  The symptoms typically disappear once the child is allowed to go home and during the weekends or over school breaks.  In addition, when the physical complaints are evaluated by a doctor, there is no medical cause found.  

It should be noted that when children and teens complain of physical complaints it should always be assumed that the complaints are legitimate and a medical appointment should be completed to rule out medical issues.  In some severe cases of anxiety, people can develop ulcers and other health issues that should be addressed medically.    It is also important to note, that even if there is no medical problem, the physical complaints are not fake.  The child likely is experience physical discomfort due to emotional distress. 

Other symptoms that can develop in children with school avoidance is an increase in tantrums or tantrums that are not age-appropriate, separation anxiety, defiance, and in some cases other mental health concerns such as depression and obsessive behaviors. 

I often hear parents say that if it weren’t for the school avoidance they would not have any problems with their child.  They state that other than the avoidance the child follows the rules and does not cause problems in the home.  Most children with school avoidance are of average to above average intelligence.  They are often the children that were quiet and shy in school, but were well liked by adults due to the fact that they were not a disturbance in class and would do what they were told to do. 

Why do children/teens develop school avoidance?  Most parents’ initial response is to assume that there is an issue at school.  This may be the case, especially if there is bullying, conflict with a peer or teacher, existing learning disabilities, or fear of failure.  However, often times the avoidance has less to do with the school setting and more to do with the child’s coping skills and/or home environment. 

 In young children, the school avoidance can be due to fact that they are having some separation anxiety from parents and familiar environment.  With young children they are being introduced to a variety of new challenges, new people, and new environments.  In young children the avoidance may be related to concerns regarding potty training and/or using the bathroom in public.

Children of all ages, including teens, can develop avoidance behaviors when there is a major transition, such as change in the family structure (new siblings, older siblings moving out, separation/divorce, remarriage, military deployment, etc.), moves, or new schools.  Often the avoidance will appear when a student is moving from elementary school to middle school or from middle school to high school.

 It is also important to remember that the adult’s emotional stability can also be a factor.  If parent is stressed or depressed the children may pick up on this.  Children will often have avoidance behaviors if a family member has a serious illness as they are afraid something will happen to the loved one while they are away from the home.  This may also occur after a loved one dies.  The child may feel that they have to stay at home or someone else might die.  If there is domestic violence or substance abuse in the home the child may also feel that they need to be home to protect other family members or to help “keep the peace”. 

What can the adults do to help?  First, the adults need to find out what the underlying reason for the avoidance is.  Sometimes the child does not even know the underlying reason and needs help from the adults to figure this out.  Once the reason is determined then the adults can help the child to work on a plan to address the anxiety/fear of going to school.  It is very important to not allow the child to avoid school.  As with all types of anxiety, avoidance causes the problem to become worse, not better.  The longer a child is out of school, the harder it is to return.  A student may need to ease back into school, but they should be going at least a short time every day to start and the time should increase as the days or weeks go by.  Parents can enlist the help of the school to work out a plan for easing a child back into school.  Other professionals who can assist in the plan are the child’s pediatrician and/or mental health professionals.

Adults should not shame the child or make fun of the child for not attending school.  Adults can talk with the student on a regular basis about their feelings and fears as this helps to reduce the fears and stress.  Do not punish the child for avoiding school, but do not inadvertently reward them either.  If the child refuses school and the parent cannot get them there safely, the child should not be allowed to engage in fun activities while at home for the day.  There should be no television, video games, or special treats.  The home environment should be made to be as boring as possible so that it does not reinforce the child’s desire to stay home. 

For more suggestions on ways to address  school avoidance, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

School Avoidance (Part 1 of 2)

We have had three calls to our Family Support Line in the last month related to children refusing to go to school.  It occurred to me that this might be a good topic to address in the blog.  In the twenty years that I have been working with children and families, I have noticed that school avoidance seems to rise around the holidays.  I believe there are a few reasons for the peak in school avoidance around this time of year.  The first is that the semester is finishing up and the stress increase due to projects and tests that are due.  Midterms and finals can be very stressful for students of all ages.  The holidays also tend to bring out stress in most adults and children pick up on our stress levels.  Another reason that school avoidance seems to be up this time of year is due to the school breaks.  It can be especially difficult for a student that has anxiety around school to return after they have had a break for the holidays. 

Be proactive and implement some of the following strategies to try to head off the possibility that your child will develop school avoidance over the holidays:

-          Take good care of yourself and do what you can to make the holidays as stress-free as possible.  I know, “easier said than done”.  But if you start planning now to try to decrease stress, even a bit that will be beneficial for you whole family.

-          Use the holidays as a time to practice self-care and coping skills as a family. 

-          Make sure that you remind your child several times, if not daily, during the break that they will be returning to school after the break.  A good way to do this for younger children is to have a calendar or countdown for when school will start back up.  Also reminding them that parents have to return to work can be helpful.

-          Talk about all the positives about school.  For example, friends, recess, lunch, and whatever subject your child enjoys the most.  Remind them of the adult(s) they look up to the most.

-          Remind your child of their future goals and how important school is to reaching those goals.

-          Remind your child of all the successes they have had in school to this point.

-          Help children that tend to be perfectionist or have a hard time with failure, by reminding them we all have things that we do well and we all have areas we need extra work in.  Point out some of your own strengths and weaknesses.  Let them know they do not have to be perfect or do everything well. 

-          Talk to your child about their feelings regarding school.  This is a good habit to get into not just during the holidays, but on a routine basis. 

-          Make the first day back after holidays as special as you did the first day of school.  Maybe the child can wear a new or favorite outfit to school.  Offer a reward at the end of the school day, such as going to get ice cream or letting them suggest dinner and help prepare it. 

If you believe your child is already experiencing school avoidance, be sure to catch the second part of this article in the next blog. 

For more suggestions on ways to make the holidays less stressful, reduce the chance of school avoidance, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.