Janey's Story

Three year old Janey was a child caught between two parents who seemed unable to agree on the best approach to disciplining her. Not only did the disagreements cause trouble in the relationship between young Janey and her parents, but mounting resentments in daily exchanges between Janey’s mother and father were inevitable and painful. Parents as Teachers Home Visitation Parent Educator, worked patiently with the parents, sharing with them the latest research indicating that physical forms of discipline are not always effective, and in some cases psychologically damaging to children. She shared several disciplinary techniques that have been proven to be more effective than physical punishment. At first, Janey’s father opposed what he saw as “being soft” on his child. But a breakthrough came one day when Janey’s father had a dramatic change of heart: he was reconsidering the use of spanking because he saw his little girl playing with her dolls and mimicking the use of spanking to “discipline” the dolls. Witnessing this behavior in his small daughter saddened and shamed him, impacting him greatly. Janey’s father also realized that, in the final analysis, alternative forms of discipline shared by the PAT Parent Educator of Families First were more effective than those he had chosen.

Parents as Teachers (PAT) is a national affiliate certified, voluntary home visitation
program that works with families with children prenatal through kindergarten.

Referrals can be made prenatal to four years old. The program is designed to keep children in the program for 2+ years. They graduate upon completing kindergarten. Services are available in English and Spanish. PAT serves seven metro counties (Adams, some Arapahoe, Boulder, Broomfield, Denver, Douglas and Jefferson - many other counties in the state have their own PAT programs).

PAT home visits address:
Parent-child interactions
Perform family well-being checks
Domestic violence screenings
Protective factor screenings
Developmental screenings:hearing, vision, and general health; parent/child interaction; gross motor skills; fine motor skills; social skills & development; emotional skills & development


For more information on Families First programs and services, parenting tips, and information on local resources please scroll down or click through our blog archive on the upper, right side of the screen to see our previous posts, visit our website at www.familiesfirstcolorado.org or call us at 877-695-7996.

School Avoidance (Part 2 of 2)

As I mentioned in my previous blog, we have had an increase in calls to our Family Support Line related to children refusing to go to school.  If you did not read the previous blog, it would be a good place to start regarding general information on heading off school avoidance in children. 

What is school avoidance?  The website, Human Illnesses, defined school avoidance as “when children and teens repeatedly stay home from school or are repeatedly sent home from school, because of emotional problems or because of aches and pains that are caused by emotions or stress and not by medical illness”.  School avoidance, also referred to as school phobia or school refusal, occurs in approximately 2-5% of school age children.  It is most common in 5-6 year olds and 10-11 year olds. 

Typical behaviors for a child or teen that has school avoidance is for them to come up with reasons not to go to school, to complain of physical symptoms shortly before it is time to go to school, or to make repeated visits to the school nurse or counselor once at school, with similar physical complaints.  Often the complaints are vague or non-specific.  In more severe cases, such as school phobia, common physical complaints are aches and pains, headaches, stomach concerns, muscle tension, and dizziness.  In the most severe case of anxiety, students may complain of difficulty breathing and tightening in the chest, which can be an indicator of a panic attack.  The symptoms typically disappear once the child is allowed to go home and during the weekends or over school breaks.  In addition, when the physical complaints are evaluated by a doctor, there is no medical cause found.  

It should be noted that when children and teens complain of physical complaints it should always be assumed that the complaints are legitimate and a medical appointment should be completed to rule out medical issues.  In some severe cases of anxiety, people can develop ulcers and other health issues that should be addressed medically.    It is also important to note, that even if there is no medical problem, the physical complaints are not fake.  The child likely is experience physical discomfort due to emotional distress. 

Other symptoms that can develop in children with school avoidance is an increase in tantrums or tantrums that are not age-appropriate, separation anxiety, defiance, and in some cases other mental health concerns such as depression and obsessive behaviors. 

I often hear parents say that if it weren’t for the school avoidance they would not have any problems with their child.  They state that other than the avoidance the child follows the rules and does not cause problems in the home.  Most children with school avoidance are of average to above average intelligence.  They are often the children that were quiet and shy in school, but were well liked by adults due to the fact that they were not a disturbance in class and would do what they were told to do. 

Why do children/teens develop school avoidance?  Most parents’ initial response is to assume that there is an issue at school.  This may be the case, especially if there is bullying, conflict with a peer or teacher, existing learning disabilities, or fear of failure.  However, often times the avoidance has less to do with the school setting and more to do with the child’s coping skills and/or home environment. 

 In young children, the school avoidance can be due to fact that they are having some separation anxiety from parents and familiar environment.  With young children they are being introduced to a variety of new challenges, new people, and new environments.  In young children the avoidance may be related to concerns regarding potty training and/or using the bathroom in public.

Children of all ages, including teens, can develop avoidance behaviors when there is a major transition, such as change in the family structure (new siblings, older siblings moving out, separation/divorce, remarriage, military deployment, etc.), moves, or new schools.  Often the avoidance will appear when a student is moving from elementary school to middle school or from middle school to high school.

 It is also important to remember that the adult’s emotional stability can also be a factor.  If parent is stressed or depressed the children may pick up on this.  Children will often have avoidance behaviors if a family member has a serious illness as they are afraid something will happen to the loved one while they are away from the home.  This may also occur after a loved one dies.  The child may feel that they have to stay at home or someone else might die.  If there is domestic violence or substance abuse in the home the child may also feel that they need to be home to protect other family members or to help “keep the peace”. 

What can the adults do to help?  First, the adults need to find out what the underlying reason for the avoidance is.  Sometimes the child does not even know the underlying reason and needs help from the adults to figure this out.  Once the reason is determined then the adults can help the child to work on a plan to address the anxiety/fear of going to school.  It is very important to not allow the child to avoid school.  As with all types of anxiety, avoidance causes the problem to become worse, not better.  The longer a child is out of school, the harder it is to return.  A student may need to ease back into school, but they should be going at least a short time every day to start and the time should increase as the days or weeks go by.  Parents can enlist the help of the school to work out a plan for easing a child back into school.  Other professionals who can assist in the plan are the child’s pediatrician and/or mental health professionals.

Adults should not shame the child or make fun of the child for not attending school.  Adults can talk with the student on a regular basis about their feelings and fears as this helps to reduce the fears and stress.  Do not punish the child for avoiding school, but do not inadvertently reward them either.  If the child refuses school and the parent cannot get them there safely, the child should not be allowed to engage in fun activities while at home for the day.  There should be no television, video games, or special treats.  The home environment should be made to be as boring as possible so that it does not reinforce the child’s desire to stay home. 

For more suggestions on ways to address  school avoidance, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

The Magic of Toddlers

August is not only the month that most children return to school, but it is also unofficially National Toddler Month.  So it seemed appropriate to blog on something related to toddlers this month.  Toddlers are defined as children between the ages of one to three.  This is my favorite age group.  They are those magical creatures that find awe in everything!  Everything is new and exciting to them.  They are working on figuring out how to assert their independence, but also want to know that they can come back at a seconds notice to the security of their adults.  This time is fleeting, in about two short years your cute little toddler will turn into a preschooler.  How do you capitalize on and enjoy those magical years of toddlerhood?

-          Let them ask questions.  Lots of question.  No question is small or silly.  It may feel overwhelming to hear questions all day, but this is the time when they truly are receptive to adult answers.  We have more influence over our children in the early years than any other time of their life.

-          Have fun with them.  House cleaning and chores will always be there, but your toddler will not always be a toddler.  This is the time that we as adults can get away with playing on the play ground, getting our hands dirty with arts and crafts, and engaging in imaginative play again.  There are tons of great sites online that will give you fun things to do with your toddlers that are free or low cost.

-          Read with them.  Most toddlers love to hear stories and look at pictures.  This is a wonderful way to bond with your child while instilling a life-long love of reading.  Children that are read to have greater success in school.

-          Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle.  They are little and easy to scoop up in your arms.  Take advantage of this time.  Touch is one of the basic needs of all humans.  Make sure this is fun and includes eye contact.  Again, the internet has great ideas to make snuggle time fun and beneficial.

-          Remember that toddlers are not “terrible”, they are terrific!  Tantrums are a normal part of this stage of life, but can be minimized by adults.  Tantrums are typically due to frustration over not being able to express what they need or want.  They understand way more than they can verbalize at this age.  One of the best tools to decrease tantrums is to reflect their feelings to them.  “Wow, you are really upset that I don’t understand what you are asking for, can you show me?”  “It is hard when you don’t get what you want”. 

-          The second thing that you can do to minimize tantrums is to allow the child to make loads of choices during the day.  These choices should be small choices that make no difference to anyone else except the child.  “Do you want milk or juice?” “Are you going to wear your green shirt or your blue shirt?”  “Will you put your shoes on first or your jacket on first?”  When we allow children to make lots of small choices they feel they have some control and it makes it easier for them to accept the fact that sometimes the adults must make the choices and be in control. 

-          Whenever possible, use time-in, instead of time-out.  Believe me, this is hard for me to say!  I was the time-out queen when my children were little.  I did not want to spank my children, so I used time-out.  Time-out was a better alternative to physical correction, but it was not the best technique and often led to more power struggles.  It made me feel sad and like an angry mom and it clearly made my children feel sad.  Time-in is a much better technique.  Time-in is where you pull the child in closer to you when they are struggling, instead of separating them from others.  The intent of time-in is to help the child feel supported, help the child learn how to regulate emotions and to learn right from wrong. 

-          Whenever you are deciding on a tool/reaction/consequence to a child’s behavior, consider the intent behind your reaction.  Positive Parenting put it this way, “punitive discipline is not only the way in which they are presented to the child but also the intent (non punitive) and aim of the parents in using the tools.”  If as adults we are using the tool to “get back at the child” or “show them” than we are probably being punitive, regardless of what tool we are using.  It is so important to make sure that we are not just giving consequences, but are also teaching the child what to do the next time around as well as supporting them emotionally.

-          Find a social group that will benefit you and your child.  There are lots of great mommy and me groups.  This will give you a time to be with other adults and compare toddler notes, while your child starts to learn how to interact with other children their age. 

These are just a few suggestions from a mom that wishes she had the chance to do the toddler years over.  I am hopeful my wish will be granted in the next decade from the perspective of grandma.  Enjoy those toddlers!

For more suggestions on ways to enjoy your toddler, deal with tantrums, time-in techniques, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.