School Avoidance (Part 2 of 2)

As I mentioned in my previous blog, we have had an increase in calls to our Family Support Line related to children refusing to go to school.  If you did not read the previous blog, it would be a good place to start regarding general information on heading off school avoidance in children. 

What is school avoidance?  The website, Human Illnesses, defined school avoidance as “when children and teens repeatedly stay home from school or are repeatedly sent home from school, because of emotional problems or because of aches and pains that are caused by emotions or stress and not by medical illness”.  School avoidance, also referred to as school phobia or school refusal, occurs in approximately 2-5% of school age children.  It is most common in 5-6 year olds and 10-11 year olds. 

Typical behaviors for a child or teen that has school avoidance is for them to come up with reasons not to go to school, to complain of physical symptoms shortly before it is time to go to school, or to make repeated visits to the school nurse or counselor once at school, with similar physical complaints.  Often the complaints are vague or non-specific.  In more severe cases, such as school phobia, common physical complaints are aches and pains, headaches, stomach concerns, muscle tension, and dizziness.  In the most severe case of anxiety, students may complain of difficulty breathing and tightening in the chest, which can be an indicator of a panic attack.  The symptoms typically disappear once the child is allowed to go home and during the weekends or over school breaks.  In addition, when the physical complaints are evaluated by a doctor, there is no medical cause found.  

It should be noted that when children and teens complain of physical complaints it should always be assumed that the complaints are legitimate and a medical appointment should be completed to rule out medical issues.  In some severe cases of anxiety, people can develop ulcers and other health issues that should be addressed medically.    It is also important to note, that even if there is no medical problem, the physical complaints are not fake.  The child likely is experience physical discomfort due to emotional distress. 

Other symptoms that can develop in children with school avoidance is an increase in tantrums or tantrums that are not age-appropriate, separation anxiety, defiance, and in some cases other mental health concerns such as depression and obsessive behaviors. 

I often hear parents say that if it weren’t for the school avoidance they would not have any problems with their child.  They state that other than the avoidance the child follows the rules and does not cause problems in the home.  Most children with school avoidance are of average to above average intelligence.  They are often the children that were quiet and shy in school, but were well liked by adults due to the fact that they were not a disturbance in class and would do what they were told to do. 

Why do children/teens develop school avoidance?  Most parents’ initial response is to assume that there is an issue at school.  This may be the case, especially if there is bullying, conflict with a peer or teacher, existing learning disabilities, or fear of failure.  However, often times the avoidance has less to do with the school setting and more to do with the child’s coping skills and/or home environment. 

 In young children, the school avoidance can be due to fact that they are having some separation anxiety from parents and familiar environment.  With young children they are being introduced to a variety of new challenges, new people, and new environments.  In young children the avoidance may be related to concerns regarding potty training and/or using the bathroom in public.

Children of all ages, including teens, can develop avoidance behaviors when there is a major transition, such as change in the family structure (new siblings, older siblings moving out, separation/divorce, remarriage, military deployment, etc.), moves, or new schools.  Often the avoidance will appear when a student is moving from elementary school to middle school or from middle school to high school.

 It is also important to remember that the adult’s emotional stability can also be a factor.  If parent is stressed or depressed the children may pick up on this.  Children will often have avoidance behaviors if a family member has a serious illness as they are afraid something will happen to the loved one while they are away from the home.  This may also occur after a loved one dies.  The child may feel that they have to stay at home or someone else might die.  If there is domestic violence or substance abuse in the home the child may also feel that they need to be home to protect other family members or to help “keep the peace”. 

What can the adults do to help?  First, the adults need to find out what the underlying reason for the avoidance is.  Sometimes the child does not even know the underlying reason and needs help from the adults to figure this out.  Once the reason is determined then the adults can help the child to work on a plan to address the anxiety/fear of going to school.  It is very important to not allow the child to avoid school.  As with all types of anxiety, avoidance causes the problem to become worse, not better.  The longer a child is out of school, the harder it is to return.  A student may need to ease back into school, but they should be going at least a short time every day to start and the time should increase as the days or weeks go by.  Parents can enlist the help of the school to work out a plan for easing a child back into school.  Other professionals who can assist in the plan are the child’s pediatrician and/or mental health professionals.

Adults should not shame the child or make fun of the child for not attending school.  Adults can talk with the student on a regular basis about their feelings and fears as this helps to reduce the fears and stress.  Do not punish the child for avoiding school, but do not inadvertently reward them either.  If the child refuses school and the parent cannot get them there safely, the child should not be allowed to engage in fun activities while at home for the day.  There should be no television, video games, or special treats.  The home environment should be made to be as boring as possible so that it does not reinforce the child’s desire to stay home. 

For more suggestions on ways to address  school avoidance, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

School Avoidance (Part 1 of 2)

We have had three calls to our Family Support Line in the last month related to children refusing to go to school.  It occurred to me that this might be a good topic to address in the blog.  In the twenty years that I have been working with children and families, I have noticed that school avoidance seems to rise around the holidays.  I believe there are a few reasons for the peak in school avoidance around this time of year.  The first is that the semester is finishing up and the stress increase due to projects and tests that are due.  Midterms and finals can be very stressful for students of all ages.  The holidays also tend to bring out stress in most adults and children pick up on our stress levels.  Another reason that school avoidance seems to be up this time of year is due to the school breaks.  It can be especially difficult for a student that has anxiety around school to return after they have had a break for the holidays. 

Be proactive and implement some of the following strategies to try to head off the possibility that your child will develop school avoidance over the holidays:

-          Take good care of yourself and do what you can to make the holidays as stress-free as possible.  I know, “easier said than done”.  But if you start planning now to try to decrease stress, even a bit that will be beneficial for you whole family.

-          Use the holidays as a time to practice self-care and coping skills as a family. 

-          Make sure that you remind your child several times, if not daily, during the break that they will be returning to school after the break.  A good way to do this for younger children is to have a calendar or countdown for when school will start back up.  Also reminding them that parents have to return to work can be helpful.

-          Talk about all the positives about school.  For example, friends, recess, lunch, and whatever subject your child enjoys the most.  Remind them of the adult(s) they look up to the most.

-          Remind your child of their future goals and how important school is to reaching those goals.

-          Remind your child of all the successes they have had in school to this point.

-          Help children that tend to be perfectionist or have a hard time with failure, by reminding them we all have things that we do well and we all have areas we need extra work in.  Point out some of your own strengths and weaknesses.  Let them know they do not have to be perfect or do everything well. 

-          Talk to your child about their feelings regarding school.  This is a good habit to get into not just during the holidays, but on a routine basis. 

-          Make the first day back after holidays as special as you did the first day of school.  Maybe the child can wear a new or favorite outfit to school.  Offer a reward at the end of the school day, such as going to get ice cream or letting them suggest dinner and help prepare it. 

If you believe your child is already experiencing school avoidance, be sure to catch the second part of this article in the next blog. 

For more suggestions on ways to make the holidays less stressful, reduce the chance of school avoidance, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

The Magic of Toddlers

August is not only the month that most children return to school, but it is also unofficially National Toddler Month.  So it seemed appropriate to blog on something related to toddlers this month.  Toddlers are defined as children between the ages of one to three.  This is my favorite age group.  They are those magical creatures that find awe in everything!  Everything is new and exciting to them.  They are working on figuring out how to assert their independence, but also want to know that they can come back at a seconds notice to the security of their adults.  This time is fleeting, in about two short years your cute little toddler will turn into a preschooler.  How do you capitalize on and enjoy those magical years of toddlerhood?

-          Let them ask questions.  Lots of question.  No question is small or silly.  It may feel overwhelming to hear questions all day, but this is the time when they truly are receptive to adult answers.  We have more influence over our children in the early years than any other time of their life.

-          Have fun with them.  House cleaning and chores will always be there, but your toddler will not always be a toddler.  This is the time that we as adults can get away with playing on the play ground, getting our hands dirty with arts and crafts, and engaging in imaginative play again.  There are tons of great sites online that will give you fun things to do with your toddlers that are free or low cost.

-          Read with them.  Most toddlers love to hear stories and look at pictures.  This is a wonderful way to bond with your child while instilling a life-long love of reading.  Children that are read to have greater success in school.

-          Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle.  They are little and easy to scoop up in your arms.  Take advantage of this time.  Touch is one of the basic needs of all humans.  Make sure this is fun and includes eye contact.  Again, the internet has great ideas to make snuggle time fun and beneficial.

-          Remember that toddlers are not “terrible”, they are terrific!  Tantrums are a normal part of this stage of life, but can be minimized by adults.  Tantrums are typically due to frustration over not being able to express what they need or want.  They understand way more than they can verbalize at this age.  One of the best tools to decrease tantrums is to reflect their feelings to them.  “Wow, you are really upset that I don’t understand what you are asking for, can you show me?”  “It is hard when you don’t get what you want”. 

-          The second thing that you can do to minimize tantrums is to allow the child to make loads of choices during the day.  These choices should be small choices that make no difference to anyone else except the child.  “Do you want milk or juice?” “Are you going to wear your green shirt or your blue shirt?”  “Will you put your shoes on first or your jacket on first?”  When we allow children to make lots of small choices they feel they have some control and it makes it easier for them to accept the fact that sometimes the adults must make the choices and be in control. 

-          Whenever possible, use time-in, instead of time-out.  Believe me, this is hard for me to say!  I was the time-out queen when my children were little.  I did not want to spank my children, so I used time-out.  Time-out was a better alternative to physical correction, but it was not the best technique and often led to more power struggles.  It made me feel sad and like an angry mom and it clearly made my children feel sad.  Time-in is a much better technique.  Time-in is where you pull the child in closer to you when they are struggling, instead of separating them from others.  The intent of time-in is to help the child feel supported, help the child learn how to regulate emotions and to learn right from wrong. 

-          Whenever you are deciding on a tool/reaction/consequence to a child’s behavior, consider the intent behind your reaction.  Positive Parenting put it this way, “punitive discipline is not only the way in which they are presented to the child but also the intent (non punitive) and aim of the parents in using the tools.”  If as adults we are using the tool to “get back at the child” or “show them” than we are probably being punitive, regardless of what tool we are using.  It is so important to make sure that we are not just giving consequences, but are also teaching the child what to do the next time around as well as supporting them emotionally.

-          Find a social group that will benefit you and your child.  There are lots of great mommy and me groups.  This will give you a time to be with other adults and compare toddler notes, while your child starts to learn how to interact with other children their age. 

These are just a few suggestions from a mom that wishes she had the chance to do the toddler years over.  I am hopeful my wish will be granted in the next decade from the perspective of grandma.  Enjoy those toddlers!

For more suggestions on ways to enjoy your toddler, deal with tantrums, time-in techniques, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Is your child a Nervous Nelly when it's time for a visit to the doctor?

Here are some helpful tips thanks to Mountainland Pediatrics:

• Talk about doctor visits in a positive way. Read fun books to your child about doctor visits prior to your appointment.
• If your child asks if the shot or procedure will hurt, don't fib about it; get down at your child's eye-level and explain that the shot may hurt a little for a few seconds.
•  Allow your child some control regarding the appointment. Let them choose which toy they want to bring with them, and how they want to sit for the shot.
•  Distraction is helpful during the shot or procedure, such as
•  Playing "I spy" and helping your child find items in the room.
• Blowing bubbles during the shot (this also helps the child to regulate breathing and remain calm).
• Tell your child to blow out the pain like a candle or have the child squeeze your hand as hard as the pain is of the shot.
• Plan a special reward for after the shots (i.e. going to get ice cream, going to the park, visiting a grandparent/relative, etc.). 
• Allow the child to calm down before leaving the doctor's office so that they can leave on a positive note and not associate the doctor's office with negative things or pain.
• Children sense parents' anxiety. Make sure you're able to stay calm during the procedures.

Mountainland Pediatrics

8889 Fox Dr. - Thornton, CO  80260

303.430.0823

www.MountainlandPeds.org

A few additional tips from Families First:

• Remind your child of other doctor’s trips or events that are similar they had success with in the past.
• Empathize with your child.  You can say something like, “I don’t like going to the doctor either, but we have to go so we can stay healthy and grow up strong”.
• Similar to Moutainland’s last tip, consider if siblings are going to cause an increase in anxiety.  It may be that your children do better when together.  Take time to consider if this is the case or if it may be better to have siblings go to appointments at different times or to have them go back to the office one at a time. 
• Brag to others (grandparents, older siblings, parent that didn’t attend, friends, etc.) in front of your child about how brave they were at the doctor’s office.
• Do not discipline or make negative comments about crying or other emotional responses.  Instead, validate their feelings by reflect the child’s emotions back to them.  For example, “You were really afraid, but you got through it.” or “That must have hurt, but you were able to settle yourself down quickly.”

For more suggestions on ways to ease your child’s anxiety around doctor visits or other situation, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Food Pranks and Other So Called Summer Fun

Do you know what your kids are doing for summer fun?  Have you heard them talking about food challenges?  Have they mentioned the chubby bunny game, the choking game, or burns?  If you have heard them talking about any of these activities, they may be involved in potentially dangerous activities or know someone else who is involved in risky behaviors.    

The activities listed in this blog can be an issue year-round, however the risk to children and teens during the summer months is increased due to the fact that they often have less adult supervision while school is out.  In addition, they have a great deal of time on their hands.  Add the internet to the mix and you could have an accident waiting to happen.    Remember, to kids these behaviors seem harmless and humorous.  Social media has made light of these behaviors and even promoted them as the “cool” thing to do. 

So, what is a parent to do?  Educate yourself, so you can educate your kids.   The human brain is not completely developed until our early twenties, therefore kids and young adults do not always think through the consequences of their actions.  They often view themselves as invincible, they do not believe anything bad will happen to them and they surely do not believe that they could cause permanent physical damage or death to themselves.  It is our jobs as the adults to educate young people on the consequences of their actions.

Be proactive, have a conversation with your kids about these type of pranks.  A great way to do this is to use an article or news report to bring up the topic.  Use the internet to find some articles on these different challenges.

Pay attention to what your kids are viewing online.  Check their history on their computers, phones, and other electronics.  See our April blog entitled Kids and Technology for additional suggestions in this area.

Listen to what your kids are talking about.  If they are using any of the terms listed in this blog or others you have not heard before, ask them what they mean.  Most kids think these pranks are funny and want to share them with others, even their parents. 

If you find out your child is engaging in these behaviors stay calm.  You want to be the kind of parent that your kid can come talk to.  If you “freak out”, as my kids so lovingly call it, they will be hesitant to tell you things.  Give them the facts about the risks they are taking and let them know you love them and want to keep them safe.  Help them come up with “risk taking” behaviors that are appropriate, such as riding a rollercoaster or engaging in athletics.  Have a discussion with them about what motivates these type of behaviors, such as peer pressure and need to compete for status among their friends.  Help them figure out how to handle those issues in appropriate ways.

Read on to learn more about these type of “games”, pranks, and dares:

In recent months, there has been a great deal of media attention given to The Cinnamon Challenge, after a paper published in the journal Pediatrics indicated that the popular dare has resulted in numerous calls to poison control, asthma attacks in people who have never had asthma before, pneumonia, pulmonary edema (the abnormal build-up of fluid in the lungs), collapsed lungs, permanent lung damage, and some cases in which people have had to be placed on ventilators.  There are several other similar risky challenges and dares that are currently popular and circulating the web. Videos of people trying these stunts may influence your child and their friends.

The Candy Challenge, also known as the Warhead/Sour Patch Challenge, is when someone eats a large quantity of sour candy.  The challenge is to eat more than the person before you.  This challenge results in a bloody tongue and damage to taste buds due to the ascorbic acid in the candy.  In addition, as with any food challenge, there is the potential to choke on the candy.  Other possible concerns would be irritation or damage to the esophagus, stomach upset, and an increase in symptoms of heartburn.

There are other challenges that pose the potential for serious choking hazards. The Cracker/Saltine Challenge has the challenger eat five or more crackers without anything to drink.  The crackers dry out the mouth and make it very difficult to complete the challenge.  In the Chubby Bunny “game” people try to see how many marshmallows they can fit in their mouths before they can no longer say the words "chubby bunny."  This challenge has resulted in documented cases of choking deaths.  There are other similar “games” with other foods, such as bread and grapes. 

There are several different types of Chugging Challenges.  Two of the most popular are the Milk Challenge and the Water Challenge.  In the Milk Challenge the person has to drink a gallon of milk in an hour and then keep the milk down for another hour.  The human stomach can't process an entire gallon of milk in one sitting, so what happens is the person will likely have a severe case of vomiting, diarrhea, cramps, and bloating.  The kind of violent vomiting that comes from this challenge has the potential to damage the stomach lining and could result in a tear or ulceration. 

In the Water Challenge, the challenger drinks as much water as they can, while resisting the urge to go to the bathroom for as long as possible.  Drinking too much water causes fluid imbalance in your cells due to diluting the sodium in the bloodstream.  This does not only cause nausea and headaches, but can lead to brain swelling, respiratory arrest, coma, and death.  The average healthy person should ingest no more than approximately 8 ounces, in roughly an hour so that the body has adequate time to process the water appropriately. 

The Banana Sprite Challenge is to quickly eat two bananas and drink one liter of Sprite without vomiting.  Bananas are highly digestible and leave no space for the gas in the Sprite.  In addition, the potassium in the banana could react with the carbon dioxide in the sprite causing a build up of gas in the stomach causing vomiting.  A similar stunt is the baking soda and vinegar challenge.  The person takes baking soda and vinegar together, which produces gas in the stomach.  When the person vomits they are vomiting the vinegar, which is not good for your throat or lungs if you happen to some.

There are several burn games being promoted on the internet as well.  Such as ice/salt burns, eraser burns, and lighter smiley faces.  All of these challenge the person to prove they can withstand pain.  The ice and salt burn involves wetting an area of skin, covering it with table salt, and applying pressure with an ice cube. Usually, water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit, but adding salt causes the freezing point to drop to as low as zero degrees Fahrenheit. When kids put ice to a salt-covered, moist area of skin, they will experience extreme pain. Depending on how long the ice stays on, there can be blistering, first- or second-degree burns, or even frostbite.

Eraser burns (aka: The ABC Test or The Sissy Test) are caused by using a pencil eraser or chunk eraser and rubbing against their skin until an opening in the skin develops.  The smiley face burn is when a person takes a lighter and keeps it lit so that the metal is extremely hot then presses the top on the lighter to your skin. The burnt imprint is a smiley face.

The problem, that most kids don’t realize, is burns can result in a severe infection. Once the wound begins to heal, they still have an opening (although scabbed) where other bacteria can enter the body and infect them, meaning they have a higher chance of Staph or Strep, skin infections (MRSA, Scalded Skin Syndrome, or Toxic Shock Syndrome),Tetanus (Lock Jaw), and diseases passed by blood and body fluids (Hepatitis and HIV).  NOT every scar heals well and they could be left with a scar for life.

Another so called game, is the Choking Game.  The participants cut off their oxygen supply to create feeling similar to being high. The game is also known as the "fainting game", "seven minutes to heaven", "tapping out" or "sleeper hold".  The person is supposed to relieve the pressure just before losing consciousness.  However, cutting off air supply with belts, ropes, or bare hands, puts kids at risk for brain damage, stroke, and even death.  In addition, if another person is helping with this game they can be held legally liable if the person being choked is injured or dies.  According to the Mayo Clinic, signs that your child is playing the choking game include unexplained bruises around the neck, frequent headaches, bloodshot eyes, and disorientation.  A study published in Pediatrics by the Oregon Health Authority and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicated approximately 82 kids ages six to 19 died after playing the choking game, between 1995 and 2007.  It is believed that these numbers may be even higher with the publicity that this game has been getting on social media sites.

The above are just a few of the pranks that kids are engaging in.  The pranks change often and new ones are being added to the list each year.  Keep yourself informed by doing internet searches, talking to your kids, talking to other adults, and keeping up on the media regarding current trends with kids. 

 For more information on  potentially hazardous pranks and ways to address these behaviors, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Midnight Milkshakes, Blanket Forts, and Other Family Fun

One of the best ways to develop relationships and build confidence is to have fun together as a family.  I just discovered there is a month long celebration aimed at that very thing, strengthening families and building healthy, confident kids.  National Family Month is exactly what it sounds like, a celebration of family.   It runs annually from Mother's Day to Father's Day. 

An easy way to have fun with your kids is to remember what you enjoyed when you were their age and then do it with them.  Blow bubbles, fly a kite, build a blanket fort, play marbles, have a water fight, play tag, climb a tree, lay in the yard and watch the stars.  There are so many options that are free or low cost, but will have a huge return on your investment.

One of my fondest memories of my dad is of him getting on the floor with me and teaching me how to play jacks.  Picture this, a large Army Sergeant, who was also a third degree black belt in Karate, sitting on the floor with a seven-year-old in pigtails.  Quite the picture, makes most people laugh, but it left a huge impact on me.  It made me feel special and showed me that he really cared when he got down on my level and taught me something new.   

Speaking of laughing, remember that anything that gets the whole family laughing is probably a good place to start.  Remember the goal is to laugh with one another, not at each other.  Laughing is a huge way to relieve stress and can be contagious.  Watch a funny movie together, read a book of jokes together, tell funny stories about when you were a kid, tell funny stories about when your kids were babies.  Kids love to hear stories about themselves when they were little.  Remember to build family jokes that are specific to your family and then bring those up when everyone needs a little stress relief.

Make family dinners fun!  There are some great ways to have fun at the dinner table.  Have a night when everything you serve is finger foods and no silverware is used.  If you are really brave, serve a regular meal without silverware.  Do a meal in reverse, eating dessert first.  Or better yet, just have dessert for the meal.  Do a progressive dinner, where you start at one restaurant or house and eat a course and then move to another place for the next course.  Let the kids plan, shop, and help cook a meal.  Put food coloring in something (for example, make green mashed potatoes or red oatmeal).  Do the switch-a-roo, everyone order something different for dinner and then switch plates half way, a third of the way, or a fourth of the way through the meal. 

Be silly and spontaneous!  Sometimes as adults we become very task oriented and serious.  Do something completely out of character for you and see if it doesn’t get a laugh or smile out of the rest of the family.  Make a funny face when they aren’t expecting it, use silly voices when you are reading to them, put your clothes on inside out or backwards, have a pj day, get them up at midnight and make milkshakes.

Remember, when people are engaging in something fun they are more willing to try something they have never tried before and to be less critical of themselves.  Trying new things helps to build confidence.  Trying something new with others strengthens bonds and attachments.

For more suggestions on ways to engage in family fun, build confident children, additional ways to strengthen and support your family, and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. Check us out on Facebook, at Families First Colorado.  The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

THE TWO ESSENTIAL SKILLS EVERY DAD NEEDS (by Dave Taylor)

In honor of Father’s Day, a special guest post from single-dad Dave Taylor from GoFatherhood.com

THE TWO ESSENTIAL SKILLS EVERY DAD NEEDS (by Dave Taylor)

Nothing has been so profound in my life than the day my first child was born. Suddenly I went from being an adult focused primarily on myself to being a caretaker, protector and guardian to a tiny little creature, a baby so helpless that she couldn't speak, couldn't communicate her needs, and couldn't give me encouragement when I did the right thing or feedback when I was doing something wrong.

Contrary to popular belief, however, I don't think that men are born with the "great Dad gene", so learning how to go from being a typical self-absorbed adult to being an attentive, nurturing father involves effort. It involves you being able to accept criticism, ponder your behaviors, remember the good (and bad) of your own childhood, and expend effort - sometimes a lot of effort - to change who you are and how you interact with the world.

Don't worry, women aren't born with the "great Mom gene" either, by the way. They're just way better at talking about what's difficult with their pals, sharing their ups and downs, and learning through childhood play how to nurture and coddle a baby. Yup, the sad truth: while we boys were busy practicing for battle, the girls were practicing to eventually be moms. Oops. 

Still, you can learn how to be a great Dad and with three kids of my own (16,13, and 9) I figure I have a combined 38 years of parenting upon which to base my advice. Since I'm a single Dad and have been for over six of those years, it's really like a 2x multiplier, so I'm giving myself credit for 50 parenting years. We good with that? Cool.

Based on all that accumulated parenting experience, I believe that the two most essential skills that any good Dad can acquire and nurture are: LISTENING and EMPATHY.

If you're like me, you live your life at a pretty fast pace. Emails, text messages, phone calls, it's often hurry up, I've got three more things I need to deal with. That can be fun and there's a certain sense of satisfaction when lots of things can be managed simultaneously, but that's exactly the wrong approach to take with your children.

It's like that idiotic myth of "quality time". That's BS. What your kids need at all ages is ATTENTION. In large doses. That's the basis of LISTENING and the reality is that if you're busy texting your colleagues, setting up a tee time or skimming the latest spreadsheet from the boss, you're not paying attention to your children. Whether you take them to the park or are helping them with homework, they need to be front and center.

A radical experiment: when you're spending time with your children, put your devices away. Really. Unless you're a trauma doc on call, email from the boss (or wife, or girlfriend) can wait 30min or an hour. Remember that golden rule you learned in school? Model to your children the behavior you'd like to have them exhibit towards you too. (that's why I have specific acceptable cell phone use times for my teens: I hate talking to the top of their head while they're texting friends as much as I imagine they hate me doing the same thing).

Attention is important, but the reason you want to give them undivided attention is so you can LISTEN to what they're telling you. Buried in that stream of babble and trivia about their daily lives are their concerns about school, friends, family, the future, the drama of their existence, the reality of their lives. If you're not actually listening, paying attention and processing what they're telling you, they'll just learn to shut up. When they hit those teen years you'll be long since shut out and they'll be isolated or just find someone else who listens. Perhaps Mom, perhaps some gang-banger in the 'hood, perhaps that creepy old guy down the street.

The harder skill to learn is EMPATHY, however. It's one thing to listen to your children tell you what's going on, the problems they're having with the class bully or their first crush and how the teacher yelled at them even though they were innocent of the crime, but another skill entirely to CARE about what they're telling you.

I know, I know, you're busy negotiating a $5mil deal for work and a problem's come up, all while your son is telling you how he hates baseball because he can't hit the darn ball when he's at bat. His problems? Just as big to him as yours are to you. That's where you get to work on that key Dad skill: being able to take a deep breath, get out of your own world and recognize that to your son, being a better baseball player might actually be life and death important. It's certainly just as important to him as being able to close the deal is for you.

Quite frankly, empathy is something I had in short supply when I first because a father. With a crying newborn and little experience around babies (moms have us beat in that department because they socialize with other moms + babies and babysit as teens, while we're out working on our cars) I found the experience of a newborn both astonishing -- it's MY baby! -- and frustrating as heck, since I had no idea why she'd be crying, upset, irritable, not sleeping.

Here's the good news: Empathy is not only a beneficial skill for parenting, it's a good skill to have in life overall. It'll help you understand why Joe in accounting is so depressed about his cat dying even though you personally hate cats, why your sister Mary refuses to speak to Uncle Bill even though you and Uncle Bill get along splendidly, and why your daughter's tattered shoes really are a big, big deal in her world.

So there you have it, my advice for how to be a great dad on this Father's Day: learn how to LISTEN and EMPATHIZE with your children. Oh, and remember to be silly and have fun with them. Children are such a blessing, such an amazing addition to your life. Don't forget to enjoy it!

Dave Taylor has been writing about parenting and fatherhood for over a decade and maintains the popular GoFatherhood.com site where he writes about his experiences as a single dad to three wonderful children. He's also a well-known tech expert and film critic, and is completely unsurprised his kids love movies and gadgets too. Find him online at DaveTaylorOnline.com.

For additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Preventing or Decreasing Long-term Problems in Children

Parents/primary caregivers are the most important advocate for their children in all areas of their development, including social-emotional.  May is Mental Health Awareness month.     Children as young as newborns can have social-emotional issues.  Research shows, behavior problems that surface in early childhood are the single best predictor for several long-term outcomes, such as adolescent delinquency, gang involvement, incarceration, substance abuse, divorce, unemployment (Center for Evidence-Based Practice: Young Children with Challenging Behaviors, 2004).  The good news is that there are many preventative and early intervention programs available to help head off mental health issues in young children or to help lessen the intensity of the problems a child may experience. 

The following are some red flags that may indicate that a child could benefit from an assessment.  It should be noted that one or two red flags alone does not necessarily mean a child is having a mental health issue, but it does mean further observation, discussion, and evaluation may be indicated. 

-          Developmental concerns.

-          Not giving eye contact with primary caregiver(s).

-          Over or under reactivity to pain. 

-          Does not allowing soothing from primary caregivers when hurt or upset.  Does not engage in self-soothing behaviors.

-          Has problems with affection, becomes rigid when picked up/cuddled/touched or turns head away when being feed.  Does not initiate affection with those close to them.

-          Overly friendly with strangers.

-          Ongoing sleep and/or feeding issues.

-          Acting out behaviors such as, fire setting, excessive lying, or stealing.  Routinely tantrums or rages for more than 15 minutes for no apparent reason.

-          Intentional cruelty to animals or younger/weaker children.

-          Development of nervous or anxious behaviors that persist, including being easily startled or frightened.  Or routinely crying for 15 or minutes after separated from primary caregiver.

-          Play issues, such as withdraw or avoids playing with other children.  Lack of explorative behaviors/play.

-          Repetitive behaviors

If you are seeing any of these signs or symptoms in your children, regardless of how young they are please talk to your child’s health care provider or your local mental health center.  You can also call 1-800-Children, where we can help direct you to other resources and support.   

For additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

Mother’s Day (By Stacy Hladek)

Mother’s Day is May 12^th, that is a week from this Sunday.  There are likely to be lots of articles to suggest ways to honor your mom or help your children honor their mom.  I would like to take a different approach and speak to moms directly.  Give yourself permission to pat yourself on the back and to take a break.  Parenting is both the toughest and most rewarding job in the world.  This is a good time to remind moms (fathers too) that you have to fill your own bucket before you can fill up others.  Remember the example given on airplanes, you must put your own oxygen mask on before you help others.  If you do not, you are going to pass out and not be helpful to anyone.  In fact, you could hinder someone else as they try to care for you.  Please don’t “pass out” figuratively. 

The emotional temperature in a home is usually set by mom.  “If momma, ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy!”  Often times this phrase is taken to mean mom is in charge and things will go her way or there will be issues for the whole house.  However, I would like to suggest that what it really means, or should mean, is that mom is the barometer in the home.  Research shows that children learn about emotions and how to express them by reflecting how their primary caregiver handles emotions.  Just think about the last time you were tired, isn’t that just the time your toddler decides to throw a huge fit or your teenager was moody for no apparent reason?  It is time for you to take care of you so that you are able to take the best care of the rest of the family. 

Again, I already said pat yourself on the back and give yourself permission to take a break, but it is worth repeating .  Often times, moms have a hard time doing this for themselves.  Treat yourself the way you would your best friend.  Tell your “best friend” to take a break or not to be so hard on herself.  This is also a great way to model self-care for your children. 

I can hear the collective, “yes, but”, now.  Yes, but I don’t have childcare or I don’t have the money.  Try swapping childcare with another mom.  “I will take your kids this Monday, if you will take mine next Monday.”  Just establish the rule that this is for down time, not to go do your spring cleaning or run errands.  Use the extended family.  Aunts, uncles, grandparents, and god parents, are great mentors for our kids and are often more than willing to keep the kids for an hour or two.  Take a nap or hot bath while the kids are napping.  Make an arrangement with your partner for one night a week to be their night to care for the kids or one weekend day a month for you to get to sleep in while the rest of the family goes to get donuts.  Check with your local churches and community centers, they often have a mother’s day out program that is free or very low cost. 

Figure out what your favorite way to re-charge is and then work on a plan to make that happen at least once a month.  In doing so, you will be and even better mom.  Healthy, happy moms tend to raise healthy, happy children.  Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for all the little things you do each day to raise our future!

For more suggestions on how to take good care of yourself, emotional competency in children, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail stacy@familiesfirstcolorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.